The Wedding Procession

Find out where William will go after he leaves Buckingham Palace on the way to Westminster Abbey with our convenient map.

The Guest List

Royals, celebrities, and the wealthy from around the world have been invited to the wedding. Find out who is on the list and who has been snubbed by William and Kate.

Adja, Sultan of Abu Dhabi - The highest royalty of the only Arab state (UAE) not either in open revolt or occupied by the USA. He was politely asked by MI5 to refuse the invitation out of concern he would raise suspicions.Gordon Brown - Denied an invitation out of mercy. William felt Britain's Labour Party had suffered enough already without facing another wobbly public appearance by Brown.
Prince Jaan of Sweden - Prince Jaan Nadsgrippen Van Hooskull goes way back with Prince William. When they were young men they used to get up to all sorts of wizarding mischief and beat the servants with sacks of stones until they pissed.J.K. Rowling - Originally included in the invitations, she was dis-invited following a careful reading of Deathly Hallows by royal offense-takers. Dobby metaphor compares unfavorably to Prince Charles' well-known house elf years.
Jamie Oliver - Celebrity TV chef, best known for badgering destitute school systems in the United States into giving children plates of carrot sticks to throw into the garbage. He will be cooking William's favorite dish for the reception: hog hearts in brown gravy with larded beans.Barack Hussein Obama - Deemed "too ethnic" by event planners. His absence was attributed to the cost of accommodating his security despite the $300 million spent on unicorn blankets and $90 million spent on Prince William's bachelor party at the Deja Vu Showgirls on the moon.
Jimmy Buffett - Lifelong Parrot Heads, Prince Charles and Princess Di endowed in their son an overwhelming love for the good works of Buffett. He will attend the wedding and perform at the reception to be held on their royal family's private island getaway of Wales.Lemmy - Warty Motörhead frontman was kept off "monsters of metal" guest list when it was realized he literally cannot speak anything other than the lyrics to Ace of Spades. It is believed this might cause some sort of racialist misunderstanding with all the benders.
Kanye West - Wanted a black man in attendance so a vote was held of all the schoolchildren in the UK to find the least terrifying black man. Kanye came in second behind Darth Vader who was unavailable due to a remastering of the trilogy.George W. Bush - A good friend of Prince Charles, he had a falling out when Prince William made all of the Bush daughters pregnant during a stay in Crawford in 2006. The royal alchemist prepared potions for the young ladies, but not before some feelings were rather badly hurt.
Dean Hitler - Great-grandson of the more famous Hitler's half-brother Wyatt. Friends with William since days together at Spoonford school for horrid boys.The Queen Mum - Died in 2002, her ghost continued to make public appearances for the remainder of the decade until being busted and placed in ecto-storage earlier this year.
The Incredible Hulk - Currently in Fukushima moving rods for TEPCO. Sent his regards by hurling an army tank into a helicopter.Sir Isaac Newton - Still a robot, still a downy cunt by all accounts. He's much-loathed by the royals for his late night furniture bash-ups and cog-smashing tantrums.
Randy Savage - Wrestling royalty is invited to every royal function in the UK. Hulk Hogan could not attend due to a previous obligation filming his daughter's NASCAR-driver sex tape. Randy Savage is always available and will be handing out free copies of his rap album.James Bond - Prince William would just as soon Bond be kept clear of the bride-to-be. Everyone knows what happened with Diana when she flew too close to the 00 sun.

Set your alarm, set your TiVos, whatever you do be up and awake for the making of history on Friday, April 29th. It's 4:00 AM Eastern, but it's forever in our hearts.

God bless you, William and Kate!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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