Helen Gunther's Weekly Advice, Household Tips, and Pet Exorcisms!

Speaking of, I can't wait to tell you about my pet exorcisms, so I'll do that now! Remember, though, if you have any questions at all that you think I could answer about ANYTHING, send me some emails at helengunther@somethingawful.com and I will answer you in my weekly column!! If you haven't seen my interwebsite about pet exorcisms, please look at it now!!!

And now I'll tell you about my PET EXORCISMS from this week!! They are full of scariness and demons, though, so be careful reading them or they might cause you to!!!

Here is a letter that warned me that I needed to help this person with their evil cat ASAP!

This person's cat was obviously possessed. Clearly it is possessed with something evil!!

it's me josh(ua). i'm terribly depressed. you see, i was walking my cat the other day ( her name is miss. empriss ) i'll just call her miss empriss, and we were walking by the taco bell. or it might have been the landfill, i don't really remember anymore, because i fell down a flight of stairs two hours ago. ( more on that later if i remember ). so i was listenin to my jam box in the earphones and pullin' the cat along on the chain when i decided to stop and talk to myself. then i turned around and to my horror/unbelief i saw my precious little cat turn into a demon beyond my belief. i think it drank some ditchwater or like... went into heat or something. but anyway, it growed these huge horns out of it's head like 2 inches and started to claw my shoes and stuff like that, what hideous demons would do if they possessed a cat. anyway, i took it back home and made it stay in my bedroom all day because it was being mean, and to my surprisement it killed my little sister with vicious bites and the tv on her head. i didn't think demons were really all that bad, but now i see the lights and i have a problem. THIS IS NO JOKE! I SWEAr on my LITTLE SISTERS grave my cat is possessed by satan or a demon or a ghost. now i have a dead little sister and i don't want my parents to know, because.. she's dead and my cat is really harsh/evil and calls me mean names like boogerhead and transvestite and jeff k. i do not know what to do, then it pushed me down a flight of stairs. please help.

Sincerely, Joshua with the evil cat

Lou.

I was so upset when I read this distressed person's email to me. It was so clear that I needed to act fast in order to prevent this evil cat from killing again, so I rushed out of the bathroom and went down the hall to the room that I sometimes use as a room to store cured ham to get my special gloves. I remember when Lou first gave me these gloves years ago for our special time that happened every few months or so. He said that my hands were always cold and that he couldn't stand it so he got me leather gloves to wear so that when I touched his parts he wouldn't want to lock me in the cellar with the jars and with his mother's ashes like he used to. I knew that those gloves would come in handy if I needed to grab the cat. I didn't want to get bitten and possessed with demons!

I rushed over to this poor boy's house and when I got there I saw that there were a bunch of people sitting on the lawn outside. I rushed up to them saying, "Oh no! Am I too late?! Who has it killed now!?" I waved my gloves and my Ouija board in the air to let them know that I meant business. They looked at me for awhile and I couldn't hear what they were saying so I ran toward the house and went in the front door. Everything seemed normal at first, but when I went upstairs, I saw it! It was evil!!

It was laying on someone's bed and pretending to sleep! I quietly put on my gloves and approached the place where the demon-possessed animal was making more evil plans to kill. Its eyes were open and it was looking at me! The owner of the cat rushed into the room and began to cry. I told him not to worry and grabbed the cat off of the bed. Rushing into the nearest bathroom, I called out to the spirits and said, "Oh spirits, I shall cleanse this evil, possessed cat of evil demons!!" I took the cat to the bathroom and placed it in the bathtub. It didn't put up much of a fight at that point, but I could tell that it was just pretending. I was going to cleanse the evil right out of him!!

I turned on the water and the cat finally started to prove that he was EVIL! He started hissing and clawing all over the place and the boy who had written me was crying in the doorway. "TAKE THE EVIL AWAY FROM THIS CAT!!!" I shouted, and I held the cat under the water, which I had made as hot as I could. After a few minutes, the cat stopped clawing at me and I took him out of the water. He wasn't moving, which meant that the demons were finally gone!! I had done it!!

I was so happy. I rushed outside back to the large group of people that I now realized were having some kind of cookout. Waving the cat in front of me, I yelled, "I did it! Hooray!!!!" They didn't seem to understand what I meant and a few of them started to come toward me so I put the cat down and ran home. But I knew that I had truly saved a cat and who knows how many people that day. Lou, this one was for you!!

This letter was very upsetting because I could tell that the person really needed help with exorcisms!!!!

EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!!!!!! POSSESSED BY DEMONS!!!!

I desparately need your help! I have a pet dog and a pet cat and I am quite convinced that they are POSESSED! The Devil Himself has poisoned their souls and this must be stopped!. I am sure that my dog is posessed because it sometimes makes a low shouting noise, something I will call a 'bark'. He also eats raw meat and sometimes licks me! My cat, on the other hand, is much more frightening. On occasions, he has made a noise, yet quite differentiable from the noise my dog makes. I will call it a 'purr', and I tell you what, it scares the living daylight out of me! He also drinks milk quite regularly and I am certain that this is all the work of the devil. These two pets, who are quite certainly evil, also enjoy playing with toys! Certainly they must have grown out of this by now!! My thirteen year old daughter grew out of playing with toys years ago, and is also dead. Helen, I don't know what to do, but I will now place my trust in you.

Thank you in advance, Michael "I Have Evil Pets" Hunt

Well, when I read this letter I knew right away what the situation had to be. It wasn't the cat's fault at all! It was all the fault of that dirty, evil dog!! I could tell that this was the case because it is obvious that the cat is drinking the milk in order to purge the evil from his blood. That's why I always used to drink milk until the doctor told me that that was where all of my sores were coming from. I had to stop drinking milk because Lou would throw up sometimes when he looked at me and that was no fun to clean up, let me tell you!

This is the tuna I brought with me to help exorcise the demons possessing the evil dog.

I filled up my trusty cooler with tunafish and put my Ouija Board in there as well. I called this friendly man on the phone and reassured him that I was on my way with tuna and to not be scared of his possessed animals (I didn't tell him my suspicions about the cat) in the mean time. I quickly ate some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to fortify me for my task and then rushed as fast as I could to the man's house where the evil, evil, evil dog lived. It took me awhile because I had to stop at the corner store and buy another Ouija board. I knew that this was going to be a two-board job.

When I got to the house the wave of evil hit me like the time Lou accidentally backed over me with the riding mower. The dog was barking furiously and I could tell that each bark was filled with malice and that the dog was truly full of bad things. The cat was trying very hard to be good but its eyes kept doing this evil squinty thing so I could tell that I had to hurry or else the evil demons that had possessed it might take over completely. I took out my cooler and two Ouija boards and began to open cans of tuna.

I walked over to a high mantelpiece that overlooked the fireplace and began to sprinkle tuna all over it. The shelf was full of figurines and knick-knacks and I put tuna on those, too. I then tied up the dog right below the mantel and set the cat on top of it. The cat started eating tuna like crazy, poor thing, and with each step that it took, a figurine fell off and hit the dog on the head. The dog began yelping which I took as a sign that the demons were finally leaving it alone!! I consulted my Ouija board:

Me: Oh Spirits, what shall I do now?

Spirits: WOOOOOOoooooooo!!! Helen, you get dumber and dumber every time we talk, WOOOOoooooOOOO!!!

Me: I hope that the evil spirits leave the poor cat alone and that the dogis also no longer evil!

Spirits: WOooooOOOOOooo, Helen!!! The dog is no longer breathing. You have killed it. WOOOooooooooo!!!

Me: Does that mean that the demons are gone? Have I done well, oh Spirits?

Spirits: WOOOOooooooo!!! You will be very lucky if you are not arrested, Helen. WOOOOooooooOOOOO!!!!!

I looked over at the dog. It was not moving and its eyes were open. There was a strange red liquid on the floor next to where it lay. I knew that this liquid had been what was causing the dog to be so evil and now that it was gone, the dog was good again! The cat was still eating tuna on the mantel, so I slipped quietly out the door to let the little family talk to each other again in a demon-free environment. Hooray, another successful exorcism for me!!!

Well, readers, how about some ADVICE?!?

Letter 1:

He looks like a nice man. Does he have any mutton?

My sister is starting to scare me. She is 18 and recently she has been bringing home men twice her age. Also whenever i check the history on my computer there are always sites about bondage and gothic things that also concern me. What should I do Helen?

Sincerely, Hates stupid goths in Yorktown

Advice:Oh my, I can see where you are coming from and I don't mean Yorktown. I mean that I know that you are probably upset and I don't think that you should be upset. When I married Lou, everyone said that it wouldn't last because I was only 15 and he was 38, but I knew that Lou was the love of a lifetime. He was so sweet and he always brought me fresh mutton from his job at the slaughter house so I couldn't turn him down! You should ask your sister if she ever receives any fresh mutton from her gentleman callers. Mutton is one of the most versatile meats around because you can cook it in so many ways! Mutton also keeps for a very long time. I still have some of the mutton that Lou gave me from before we were married and although when I eat it it makes me see funny colors sometimes it still tastes really good! I wouldn't worry about these men your sister is talking to unless she is not receiving any meats, in which case I would worry and perhaps ask them why they are not giving her any meats. Good luck!!!

Letter 2:

HAHAHA What a funny bird!!!

Hi Helen, I enjoy your column very much and I wondered if you could give me advice on a problem I am having with my boyfriend. We have been together a long time and we get along in every single way, and we absolutely never fight, and he is the most perfect man ever and we want to get married, but our families don't get along because his family is composed of Roman Catholics and mine is composed of devout Freethinkers. (Atheists.) My boyfriend respects my religious beliefs and I respect his, but his family is a bunch of God-fearing Bible-obsessed Naziistic fetus-huggers. My family respects their crazy attitudes (even though religion is so clearly a bunch of bullshit created by rich people who wanted better control over their peasants, and is also fascist, illogical, greedy, etc., especially in the case of Catholicism), but their family continues to paint swastikas in Negro blood all around our property and leave dead kittens in our koi pond with their entrails tainting the water's PH levels. (His parents also threatened to kill me because I want to destroy their potentially resource-consuming and social-life destroying unborn grandchild.) What should I do?

Help!! Disgusted Darwinian

Advice:

USE THIS!!

I know what to do to help you impress your parents! Cook them a delicious meal using as much baking soda as possible. That way they will be so impressed with your cooking skills that they won't have time to be upset that you won't have a grand baby. I rememebr when I wanted a baby once Lou said that if I ever got pregnant he'd probably accidentally push me down the stairs, so we never had children. Instead, I cooked him the most delicious baking soda dishes possible and he was so happy that he never brought it up again! I am sure that this will convince your parents in law that you are skilled in the kitchen and therefore they will like you! I am sure that this plan will work out well for you and for everyone!!!

Well, readers, that's all the time I have for today, so you'll have to stay tuned until next week's column. But in the mean time if you have any questions that you think I could answer, please send me emails at helengunther@somethingawful.com!! I will answer you in my column if I can! In the mean time I have a lot of work to do and something smells funny in here so I might try and figure out what it is.