More Advice for You from Me!

I was sitting on the couch watching my stories when I began to think about what it was about my attempts with the Ouija board that hadn't seemed quite right. Finally, I figured out what had been missing. An essential component! Duct tape! Yes, duct tape. It had played an integral part in my life for so many years and I had left it out of the very important goal of talking to Lou and the other ghosts. No wonder I had been having such trouble talking with the spirit world. Nothing in my life worked for me without somehow involving this miracle product and it is no wonder that the ghosts did not choose to communicate with me without it. I remember back in the big blizzard of '81 Lou and I were stranded in the kitchen because the roof in the hall had collapsed under the weight of the snow. We thought that we were going to die of exposure because it was so cold in there, but after I hysterically yelled and cried for several hours, Lou wrapped my body in duct tape and the cold stopped bothering me. He also put tape over my mouth so that I could no longer scream, thus conserving precious body heat. Lou saved my life with that tape, and three days later, when they finally came to dig us out, I was still wrapped in that amazing product. Duct tape would also prove to be vitally important three years later in the unfortunate incident involving coat hangers and hazelnuts, but I won't go into that right now.

In any case, after I had realized that the lack of duct tape was the reason the spirits had neglected me, I set about trying to rectify the situation as best I could. I sat down in front of the Ouija board and began wrapping myself with layer after layer of duct tape. All through this process I shouted things to the spirits who I hoped were listening, such as, "Oh spirits, I am talking to you! Please talk back to me so that we can discuss things! If Lou is there please let me talk to him so that I can ask him why the bed is wet!" As I placed the duct tape over my face I began to feel short of breath and I noticed that the room started spinning around and around. I slumped over in my chair and lay my head down on the Ouija board. Suddenly, I heard voices! They seemed to be coming from inside the room, so I said, "Hello, spirits! Who's there!"

Lou.

At first I didn't hear anything else, but then I guess I must have passed out or something and when I woke up I was lying on the floor. I heard a voice say, "Helen, why are you trying to talk to us? We are really busy doing ghost-related things." I responded, "I needed to talk to Lou! I have to find out why the bed is wet!" And I heard a voice reply, "Well come back another time because we are busy right now and I have a headache."

Success! Finally I had talked to the spirits and they had talked to me! Since that night I have talked to them two more times, and both of those times I have asked to talk to Lou but they said that they were busy so I'd have to come back later because they had a headache! That night I had a dream where Lou was shooting me with a squirt gun full of bleach, and when I woke up the bed was wet and smelly again! I didn't even mind sleeping on the floor for the rest of the night because I knew that my communications were getting through and that finally I was able to talk to ghosts! And I owed it all to duct tape. I hope that soon I will be bale to ask the ghosts questions and they will answer them for me and I just know that Lou will finally explain the mystery of the wet bed to me.

So I'll get to the letters now reader, but I also want to say that if you have any questions you think I could help answer I hope that you send your letters to helengunther@somethingawful.com and if I can help I'll certainly put your letter in my column! Additionally, if you have any questions you want me to ask the ghosts for you, tell them to me and I'll see if I can get an answer for you from the spirit realm!

But now, someADVICE!

Letter 1:

Hi. I was wondering if you could help me out with...ya know...girls. There is this girl I really wanna shag, but I'm scared to ask her. She's one of my good friends that I've come to like more than a friend. How do I ask her?

Thanks. Post-friendly in Cleveland.

Advice:

Picking out new shag carpet is the hardest thing to do when you're unsure of yourself. I remember back when Lou and I had to pick out carpet for one of the rooms because the old carpet had been ruined. It all started when Lou picked up a hobby of taxidermy. He'd go out into the woods and shoot a bunch of animals like a deer and a raccoon and maybe a skunk or a cat or dog and he'd bring them all back to the house to stuff. He always used the living room as his stuffing room and so the carpet in there got really yucky after awhile because of the blood and stuff. After the policemen said that he couldn't shoot things any more we decided to get new carpet and so we went down to the dump where Lou said they had a lot of carpet but then he drove off in the car and I had to walk home. When I got home he said that he had had an emergency with the government people that he had to attend to and so he'd come home. Lou was so responsible with that. Anyway, just take your girlfriend to the dump. They have a lot of different carpet there and it's all really inexpensive. Just be careful while you're there because sometimes they have sharp things that you can step on and then get sick for a couple of weeks. I didn't leave the bathroom for days!

At our wedding I tried to eat frosting for Lou but he was upset so I stopped.

Letter 2:

Love your work Helen. I have a question to ask you. Myself and my two roommates are both the age of 19. We always hung out and had a great time. Now one of them has landed a 22 year old girlfriend. All of a sudden we are too immature for him. And he is younger than us! How do we get the sense back through his skull? He honestly believes he is older than us.

Sincerely, Frustrated Fogy

Advice:

When I first met Lou, I was 15 and we almost didn't date because I knew that he was 23 years older than me. But as I got to know him, he assured me that the age difference really didn't matter as long as the police didn't find out so we never went out on dates because we didn't want to get caught. In stead, we had contests at home to see who could eat the most frosting. I always won but that Lou sure did love his frosting. In any case, I think that your friend and his love interest need to follow similar paths. Buy them each a container of frosting and tell them that you will not be friends with them any more unless they have a contest to see who can eat it the fastest. Your friend will become a lot nicer the more frosting he consumes. I used to be really mean but then I started eating four or so containers per day and now I am much nicer! Even Lou admitted that the more frosting I ate the more I would take naps and he always liked it when I napped because he got to watch those art films he liked so much where everyone had no clothes on.

Letter 3:

I love this picture.

Hello, Helen, I'm an avid reader of yours, I love the tips for baking soda! Now, I, myself have a problem that you might b able to help with. You see, my best friend just got me a pair of pants for a birthday present. The only problem with them is that they are the ugliest pants I've ever seen. I mean, these things are absolutely atrocious! Now, I don't want to keep them, but I also don't want to hurt my friend's feelings by returning them, because when I do, he likes to throw things at me. Throwing them out is out of the question, because my friend's a hobo and he likes to search through my trash especially, and if I burned them I'd probably take the whole condominium complex down! How do I get rid of these pants?

-Pants-Perplexed in MA

Advice:

Pants that look good are hard to come by. I never find pants that I like, so I just wear skirts all of the time. Skirts hide a lot of what pants don't, especially around the hips, if you know what I mean! I think that you should just take your friend to the store and buy a few skirts for him and for yourself. I remember I used to sometimes ask Lou to put on skirts for me, but that was once a month on our "Special Nights." But give up wearing pants in general! This way you can look good, feel good, and if you're like Lou and I, every 3rd Wednesday of the month you can wrestle! But be careful if you do wrestle because once I hit my head really hard and when I woke up I felt dirty and Lou was asleep.

Sprinkle over pasta for a quick and tasty meal!

Letter 4:

Your column is great. I need your advice though. When I cook food for my boyfriend he just says that it's shit and can't I cook more than just friggin' pasta! He doesn't like pasta, but I figure if I keep giving it to him he will learn to love it. Anyway, I sure don't think my plan is working; do you have any pasta recipes that will be a sure fire hit with him.

Regards, Frustrated in London

My favorite pasta recipe of all time is simple to make and so tasty! Just boil the pasta until it is cooked and sprinkle with baking soda! That's it! The time this takes is so much shorter compared to how long you will be slaving away to make complicated spaghetti. The bonus is that your boyfriend will love it! I remember the first time I made this for Lou he told me that there was no way he was going to eat it. But once he tried it he ate four big plates full of the stuff and asked for more! Of course, he threw up a few times that night but that was because he'd had a lot of beer and the beer just didn't agree well with the pasta, I think. But if you ever need a good pasta recipe, this is definitely the way to go.

Well readers, that about wraps up this week's column. I really hope that you send me an email on the computer machin at helengunther@somethingawful.com if you have any questions for me! I'll do my best to help you because I like helping people. This especially goes for if you have any dead friends or relatives to talk to. That reminds me, I'm going to go and try to talk to some more ghosts now. I bought a few crates of duct tape so I should be set for at least a week. Wish me luck!!