tring is a good egg and I miss him dearly. I used to put a joint in his mouth and he'd bite down on it and it was funny as fuck until the one time he got so high he dropped it in my trash can where I threw my axe body spray that went bad and it blew up NO SHIT happened. For real.Me, I don't know what the fuck. I got a frozen pizza at the store. I don't know what to do with it. I glued some wheels on it, tried to cut it up with scissors. I think I was supposed to do something else. Like maybe put in the bathtub or something. FUCK. I should have took home X.

Bristol got pissed with me leaving shit all over and she was like "LEVI all I give a fuck about now is Tripp and you can go fuck yourself!" and I was like "maybe I'll go fuck some strippers" which is the WRONG THING to say in a fight. You yell something like that and punch through drywall and crazy broads will bring up shit from years ago just to win an argument. Bristol was all, "YEAH WELL GET YOUR ANGER UNDER CONTROL YOUR UPSETTING THE BABY!" and I was like "BAM!" and I flipped the table and then I said "THERE I UPSET THE TABLE. SEE HOW TRIPP LIKES THAT!!" and then I ran out.

I've been parking my truck in back of the Palin's house and piper has been sneaking me out packs of Nerds and sweet tarts. So pretty much I've been living off those and something I think is either jerky or a glove under my seat.

I loved her before she got them big super titties but now I love her about four times as much minus whatever amount she lost when she got a C-section.Right now it effing sucks, dudes. Trust me. I smell bad as hell too so I can barely get a BJ from any of these girls I am texting. I want to take a shower and sleep in a bed and not have to poop out in a frozen bush that scratches up your ass and you can see Todd on the phone by the kitchen island just being a huge jagoff.

Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say it:


I love her. She was my life and we were so happy together in that apartment with the big screen and the leather couch. And I miss Tripp and the other one. The big one. Can't think of it right now but it rhymes with "pig." The one that can climb walls and has the eyes that go...wait...fuck it, you know who I mean.

Bristol, baby, I know you read this. I know you go on the computer all the time. So I wrote a poem to win you back. I am totally in love with you. Y'all can sing this to the music of the chorus of "Courtesy of the Red, white, and Blue" which is my third favorite song.

Hey Bristol your name is up at the top of my list,
And your titties got bigger and I want to give you a kiss,
And the eagle will fly and I know I been a dick,
When you hear my car horn start honking it ain't no trick,
We can go on a date and we don't have to go to a far location,
Maybe that chilis where we did it on the changing station

Ohhhhhh Bristol palin I love you!
Oh hey yeah!
Bristol Palin I want to do titty sex with you!

I hope you like the poem baby. I am sorry as shit about mercede and all that bullshit she put on the Internet. I'm sorry you made it on keith olvermans countdown but baby you are the best person in my world. So lets hook up again.

I'll be by about 8:45 or 9:00 as long as tucker doesn't call and want to do margarita night at los sombreros.

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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