Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave

The awkward chat Bruce and Susan engage in outside the café is easily one of the greatest things I’ve ever had the pleasure of viewing and documenting for future generations. It reminds me of my conversations with women, only I tend to snort, slouch, and drool more.The girl chases after him and says he shouldn't leave, he should "say something." Bruce agrees, probably because he has no idea what the bitch is babbling about, and they finally get around to introducing themselves. It turns out the girl's name is Susan Clark, and Bruce's name still sounds like "Want Ham." More pointless stupid conversation ensues. Here's a snippet:

Susan: Want Ham (Wong Han, whatever), what are you doing tonight?
Bruce: How should I know what I'm going to do.
Susan: Tell me!
Bruce: What do you mean.

What a charmer! Susan is so impressed she invites him to stay with her. What a slut, no wonder she almost kissed the award-winning bare-chested man! [Check out Bruce putting the moves on Susan, he sure has a way with words! (659K, Windows Media)]

They go back to her place and Susan babbles on about how it isn't really "her place," she just gets paid $100 to look after it why the owner is on vacation. Yeah, typical Los Angeles housing situation. After drinking some milk, Susan asks Bruce to teach her self defense, and a training sequence ensues in which Susan apparently becomes a killing machine in five easy minutes and one simple lesson. Susan tries to give him some money as thanks, but Bruce declines:

Bruce: You can pay me something else.
Susan: Like what?
Bruce: Let's go to your bedroom.

Finally! Some "action" that doesn't involve obviously fake punches and bad sound effects! Oh, it's merely a tease: Bruce just asks Susan for help in finding the other four Village People. Remember? The Japanese man, a black guy, a white guy, a Mexican, and a cowboy, those guys? Well, there are only four of them left since he's already killed the black guy. How typical, they're always the first to go! Susan balks saying it'd be too hard since L.A. is so big, and Bruce says something to the effect of yes L.A. is big but you're the only one who can identify them. Then Bruce runs off because he thinks it'd be improper to sleep inside the house. Or something.

The next morning, Susan is insanely giddy and in love with Bruce for some reason. She drives him to Chinatown, where he promptly gets out of the car and slaps the first guy he sees. He tells the guy to take him to his boss, so the guy does. He winks and Susan follows. Once in the boss's compound, he's knocked out with a block of wood. Susan revives him and there's a vague chase. I say vague, because I'm not sure what Bruce is chasing. Eventually he runs into some evil minions and kicks their asses. Then the "white guy" shows up with two flaming stick weapons and him and Bruce fight for awhile until Bruce defeats him with a flying slow motion instant replay kick. The dying white guy is about to tell Bruce why he killed the dead guy when a ninja star comes out of nowhere and kills him before he can spit it out. I hate when that happens! Not to be outdone, Susan drives home and is promptly knocked out as well.

This is Bruce’s reaction to a parade that happens to appear suddenly. He just stares at it like this for about ten seconds before they flash stock footage of Indians riding elephants on the screen. Now that’s filmmaking.

Bruce goes home and during the night the Gay Japanese Biz Guy is seen lurking in the shadows. In the morning Bruce revives Susan with acupuncture, drops her off somewhere, and proceeds to the address of another karate school he found on a card in the white guy's wallet. Then there's the shot of the stupid looking cowboy guy in his little hat entering some room, somewhere. Bruce gets to the school and asks the first guy he sees "I'm looking for this karate school." Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. In this case that answer is a punch in the face. More fighting ensues, and Bruce finishes the job by knocking out four students with one super aerial kick. But since he used slow motion, the main bad guy (the Japanese guy?) steals his car and drives off. So Bruce watches a sudden parade in amazement, but while he's watching stock footage of marching bands and things, Susan waits impatiently for Bruce to pick her up. Somehow, Susan managed to changed clothes, too. Eventually they meet up with each other and go home. What a day!

The next day they go to buy a used car, and Bruce makes her buy this stupid camper pick-up truck thing so he has a place to sleep. They go home, and while sleeping (now Bruce is sleeping in the house with Susan on the floor… why did they buy the camper then?) the Japanese guy just opens the door and waltzes right on in, there are apparently no locks in this home. The Japanese guy wakes up Bruce and they taunt each other for awhile before the Japanese guy tells him that the dead guy was a drug smuggler, and if he wants help be should see some guy at the "race course." Hey, thanks for the useful tip! Then he tries to kill Bruce with his sword. Sure, he could have just walked in and killed the sleeping Bruce and not given him any incredibly helpful information, but I guess that wouldn't be very sporting or something. Badly edited fight scene ensues, half the furniture in the house is destroyed (good work housesitting, Susan!), Bruce makes horrible chicken sounds, and beats the guy with a slow motion finishing move. Whee! [Bruce and the Japanese guy talk trash before the fight, but not before the Japanese guy gives him some useful info. (805K, Windows Media)]

Cut to stock footage of horses racing, we must be at the "race course." Apparently it's the next day, again. Bruce and Susan tap dance around for like twenty minutes, looking for something or someone. Finally Bruce leaves Susan alone at a bar somewhere in this labyrinthine house racetrack to search for whatever they're looking for. While Bruce is gone, a fat man (the Mexican) sits next to Susan and says… "I AM WELBY." The long buildup to this particular scene and his delivery of the line is just... magic. He asks Susan if "you want me" and tells her to hand over "everything they got." Okaaaay. [Welby's finest hour! (322K, Windows Media)]

Welby is the best!

Welby carries her off and slaps her in his car, but Bruce reappears and beats Welby's six lackeys. Welby then does just about the worst thing he could do in this situation, or any situation, for that matter: he takes off his shirt. HELP! He makes Bruce follow him to a boxing ring and proceeds to throw Bruce around like a rubber sandwich. Bruce resorts to yanking Welby's beard hair out and hitting him with a chair. Slow motion finish, Bruce wins. He somehow manages to drag Welby to Welby's car and tie him up in the back seat. Well, at least I hope he's just tying Welby up, since Welby is hardly clothed and Bruce is sitting right on top of him, sweating. He makes Susan drive to the middle of nowhere in some field, where the camper is parked.

Bruce drags Welby from the car and says, "If you refuse to speak to me… I'll fill you so full of holes you'll be like a pin cushion." Whoa there! Since Bruce doesn't have any guns, I can only assume Welby is in for more of what he got in the back seat. Welby calls him a bastard and spits in his face, so Bruce runs off to the camper for some reason. He opens it up, and… surprise! The cowboy pops out! And damn, he talks funny... just like the policeman, in fact! More nonsense chat ensues, Bruce jumps behind Welby, and the cowboy proceeds to shoot Welby with like sixteen rifle blasts. Then the cowboy demands "the drugs" from the Susan, since she's the only one the dead guy could have given them to. Thankfully, since he for some reason walked closer to Susan and Bruce instead of keeping his distance, Bruce is able to attack. During a fight for the gun on the ground, Bruce jumps over the cowboy's head, stomps him on the head Mario-style, and kills him. But golly! The cowboy managed to get one last shot off while Bruce was in the air and somehow managed to kill Susan, but for some reason she's only bleeding from the mouth and there's no apparent gunshot wound. Regardless, she's dead. Bruce finally shows emotion and starts crying in Susan's dead arms, but he's probably just sad that the five minutes of training he gave her was completely wasted. [Watch a bit of Bruce's fight with the cowboy, note the tap dance footstep sounds are used even though they're fighting outdoors! (546K, Windows Media)]

Bruce drives away to some tree in a field nearby and leaves Susan's body to rot in the sun. He uncovers the dead guy's remains (he had apparently hid it there before), cracks open the box, and discovers that he had been carrying around the drugs and money all this time, not the stupid dead guy's ashes. Idiot. The cigar smoking man shows up and reveals himself as… the dead guy! Oooh, plot twist! See, he somehow managed to kill a double that looked exactly like him and expected Bruce to take his "remains" back to the dead guy's family in Taipai. Then the dead guy would retrieve the loot and retire. But Bruce (big surprise) messed everything up and the dead guy threatens to kill him.

Way to go Bruce! You managed to screw up a hard-working criminal’s retirement plan and kill an innocent woman, your only friend in the world! Yeah, just like “Enter The Dragon!” The shower guy was right (and ugly): you’re a born loser!

Another mediocre fight ensues. Bruce screams and tries some super kick, but he loses like the loser he is and is about to get his skull smashed in with a rock when the dead guy is shot out of nowhere and actually dies for real this time. The Gay Japanese Biz Guy and the black, angry police chief run up, shake hands, and congratulate each other on a job well done (seriously). It turns out the Gay Japanese Biz Guy is an FBI Narcotics agent or something and they were using Bruce to find the dead guy, who they knew wasn't really dead. They say how they've been watching Bruce the whole time, how he's done a great job, and how he'll probably get a medal, just like the bare-chested guy who tried to rape Susan. Bruce just walks off and looks over the edge of the hill at Susan's dead body. She obviously blinks in one shot of her "dead" body, but I'm pretty sure that it's just a mistake and she's really supposed to be dead. Bruce looks at the sun and tries to be angry or sad or confused or maybe turned on again. THE END.

"Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave" has nothing to do with Bruce Lee or graves, but as far as bad movies go, it's pretty fun to watch and has some "great" moments. The actual fighting is somewhat dumb and a few of the fights are downright boring, but the absurdity of most of the dialogue and Bruce's total lack of charisma makes up for it. Instead of plopping down $10 to see the new fancy-smancy CG Bruce Lee movie when it comes out, save yourself a wad of cash and go rent this for $1.99 at your local crappy video store. Bruce K.L. Lea will thank you!

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)