Heatseeker

The Vein: Well said, Hank. Now let’s throw it over to league commissioner Cockadoodle Cokenail to kick things off:

Haymaker: It was a controversial choice to make an identical Tim Thomerson clone with the DNA of industrial effluents from a Dublin crematorium to be the new league commissioner, but those genetic licensing fees were just too low to pass up.

The Vein: Nothing projects authority like an effeminate Georgia plantation accent accessorized with an ascot and a 1960s Joker wig, Hank.

Haymaker: Couldn’t agree more, Zane.

The Vein: Speaking of cartoonish ethnic stereotypes, tonight’s fightstivities are brought to you by Ira O’Shillelagh’s Cabbage-Fried Kilkenny Chicken - 10 car-bombs and your next family-size bucket of cornbeef is free! Kilkenny’s - it’s finger Catholickin’ good!

Haymaker: Mm-mm, Zane, I can practically taste the potato-y chickenated goodness. Now let’s recalibrate our ocular implants towards the jumbulated screenmotron:

The Vein: And with the traditional Brooming of the Naked Asian Man, this tournament is officially underway!

Haymaker: I’ll tell you Zane, I haven’t been this excited for a televised blood orgy since the Men’s Olympic 500 Meter Blade Run of 2024, when Jesse Metazoans beat the floating brain of Harrison Ford in a quantum finish.

The Vein: Hold that thought Hank, because I’m just getting word that the first fight is about to begin, between Lou Diamond Killips and Slippery Joe Folgers:

Haymaker: A tremendous panoply of pectoral posturing on display there, Vein. I can’t wait to see what these walking fist delivery systems have in store for us in their 64k of combat RAM.

The Vein: Going for a Shin Splitter there, but a bit sloppy on the Kick Six Three Hole follow-through. Ooh, nice recovery on that Filipino Banana Box -

Haymaker & The Vein: Ooooh!

Haymaker: Looks like Dynacore is gonna have to go back to the drawing board on those new skull-imploding crumple zones, Zane. Nothing left of that teched out turkey but the Pope Bot’s Nose.

The Vein: Well, there’s just no getting up from a Scanners Surprise with that much mustard behind it. Let’s hope his barber does facial reconstruction too.

Haymaker: Speaking of which, that last fight was sponsored by Hive Mind Harry’s Heptapod Hair Salon - unlock the secret language of time and save big! At Hive Mind Harry’s, we cut your whole family’s hair at once before they even know they need it!