The Vein: While the crowds are still filing in, let’s go over some of the main competitors in today’s contest of cybernetic killtrocities.
Haymaker: The smart money has to be on last year’s defending champion, Johnny Casanova, the Anthropoid Made of Asteroid, the Filipino Bambino - let’s roll a clip from one of his recent overground street matches:
The Vein: Ouch, right in the e-giblets - somebody’s gonna be pissing cranberry sauce tonight, Hank. Great technique on that Yakuza Kick, and a smooth follow-up with the Tilt-a-Whirl Crossbody Crossfade there.
Haymaker: Johnny may have stuffed those street bots like genetically engineered hyper-turkeys, Zane, but he’s going to have his work cut out for him this year in the highly anticipated title bout against seven-time world dumbbell dancing champion and convicted serial terminator Brick “The Bamboozler” Brannigan:
The Vein: That’s the kind of muscle tone you can only get with a combination of illegal muscle implants and a strict all-cold cut diet. Which reminds me that this sports wave is brought to you by Hillel Herschel’s Holographic Ham Substitute. Hillel’s: it’s virtually kosher!
Haymaker: Speaking of ringing endorsements, I know I wouldn’t be here tonight to cash my outrageously large endorsement check without the support of the great folks at Albino Al’s Artisanal Automatons and their patented Cyber System For Men:
The Vein: I don’t even have the slightest idea what that thing is or does, but I’ve already ordered two dozen of them.
Haymaker: It may look like a Kinder Surprise made of protocol droid skulls, but damn if it doesn’t keep me calibrated all day long.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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