The Vein: Well said, Hank. Now let’s throw it over to league commissioner Cockadoodle Cokenail to kick things off:
Haymaker: It was a controversial choice to make an identical Tim Thomerson clone with the DNA of industrial effluents from a Dublin crematorium to be the new league commissioner, but those genetic licensing fees were just too low to pass up.
The Vein: Nothing projects authority like an effeminate Georgia plantation accent accessorized with an ascot and a 1960s Joker wig, Hank.
Haymaker: Couldn’t agree more, Zane.
The Vein: Speaking of cartoonish ethnic stereotypes, tonight’s fightstivities are brought to you by Ira O’Shillelagh’s Cabbage-Fried Kilkenny Chicken - 10 car-bombs and your next family-size bucket of cornbeef is free! Kilkenny’s - it’s finger Catholickin’ good!
Haymaker: Mm-mm, Zane, I can practically taste the potato-y chickenated goodness. Now let’s recalibrate our ocular implants towards the jumbulated screenmotron:
The Vein: And with the traditional Brooming of the Naked Asian Man, this tournament is officially underway!
Haymaker: I’ll tell you Zane, I haven’t been this excited for a televised blood orgy since the Men’s Olympic 500 Meter Blade Run of 2024, when Jesse Metazoans beat the floating brain of Harrison Ford in a quantum finish.
The Vein: Hold that thought Hank, because I’m just getting word that the first fight is about to begin, between Lou Diamond Killips and Slippery Joe Folgers:
Haymaker: A tremendous panoply of pectoral posturing on display there, Vein. I can’t wait to see what these walking fist delivery systems have in store for us in their 64k of combat RAM.
The Vein: Going for a Shin Splitter there, but a bit sloppy on the Kick Six Three Hole follow-through. Ooh, nice recovery on that Filipino Banana Box -
Haymaker & The Vein: Ooooh!
Haymaker: Looks like Dynacore is gonna have to go back to the drawing board on those new skull-imploding crumple zones, Zane. Nothing left of that teched out turkey but the Pope Bot’s Nose.
The Vein: Well, there’s just no getting up from a Scanners Surprise with that much mustard behind it. Let’s hope his barber does facial reconstruction too.
Haymaker: Speaking of which, that last fight was sponsored by Hive Mind Harry’s Heptapod Hair Salon - unlock the secret language of time and save big! At Hive Mind Harry’s, we cut your whole family’s hair at once before they even know they need it!
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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