Intercessor: Another Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Okay, time to explain something else: To this point in the movie, the plot has done little more than express the importance of this mask. Hell, it's even on the DVD menu. However, the mask on the menu and the mask Thor have are two different things. The mask on the movie is metallic, with spikes on it. Kind of like an evil goalie mask. Thor's mask, much like the rest of the costumes in the film, was obviously purchased at a drug store clearance sale. How fucking hard is it to fix the thing up a little bit? The thing folds in his hand when he grabs it. You can clearly see the nylon headstrap on the back of it. I mean, Christ, at least hot glue some rhinestones from mom's jewelry box on the goddamn thing.

So, having attained his mask of power, Thor sets out to destroy a bunch of elemental goddesses that reflect the four elements: Earth, fire, wind, and water. Heart was apparently unavailable for the filming of the movie, or they couldn't find a suitable Filipino boy to take the role before filming started.

Please note that, at this point, there is a lot more shit going on in the film. It's just that this is the one halfway understandable plot point amidst all that other stuff. For instance, there is a little redheaded girl who has dreams about people chasing her through fields, and there might be something about a dog in there somewhere. Unfortunately, none of it makes the least bit of sense, even in that David Lynch movie way, so I'm selectively ignoring things.

Regardless, Thor fights four very similar battles over the next half hour or so, so I will just summarize the high points:

Thor v. Fire

Features such lines as "Laura, stop. Laura…. stop!" and "FIRE OFF"
Battles with a marginally attractive woman who can fire Photoshop filters from her hands
Shows Thor is adept at the Shakespearean ploy of "rolling around in a hallway."

Thor v. Wind

I swear to God somewhere in this scene someone says "break the wind"
Teaches us that wind is apparently controlled by a glowing orange ball that kind of flies around and gets in your hair
Again, Thor shows his versatility by pretending to be stuck in a windstorm even though his clothes don't move.

Thor v. Earth

Begins with a little girl being chased by a "hellhound," which is just a St. Bernard with dubbed-over "growls" some jackass in the studio did
Thor spends approximately five minutes wrestling with a tree branch, showing weeping willows are, in fact, a threat to mankind
The Earth Goddess is pretty decent-looking.

Thor v. Water

Thor battles with some girl in a dirty creek
The scene switches several times from early morning to obvious daytime
At the end of the fight Thor looks at the camera and says "Victory… is… mine."

But, of course, the problems aren't over for Thor. After killing the elementals he finds he still needs to fight the rest of the LFPWMHC, and does so at some closed-down Canadian waste-disposal facility.

Here's the thing, though: Approximately two-thirds of this movie is spent showing Thor shoot some kind of poorly-rendered lightning bolt out of his hands (or the general vicinity of his hands, depending on how hard the art staff wanted to work). After all this, another filmmaker might think "well, we've shown this enough. Let's do something new."

Well, for once, the makers of "Intercessor" did something right. Instead of shooting lightning bolts from his hands, Thor shoots them from the fleshlight wand. He kills a few more of the costume people.

The thing is, I'm still not sure what he accomplished by doing all this. The movie doesn't clearly say, and as far as I know, he did not have a clear motive for killing everyone other than "they were wearing costumes." Whatever the case, Thor walks off into the sunset and the movie is over.

Or is it? The next thing you know, we're treated to another shot of hell, one where Harold is now a zombie leading a crew of other zombies. For some reason, the makers of "Intercessor" decided total, nonsensical ambiguity would be the best way to end their film, and they do so with a bunch of wailing guitars in the background.

So, in closing, I would like to say that "Intercessor: Another Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare" is the worst thing I have ever seen. Even the special features, most of which do not have sound (my speakers shut off from lack of input), were better than trying to wade through this thing to make any kind of sense of it.

And oh, yeah, the best thing about it all is that Thor's Web site, www.thorcentral.com, promotes the hell out of every other turd he has flushed but barely mentions "Intercessor."

If that doesn't say something about the movie, I don't know what does.

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade