Jack Frost 2

"Yargh, I be a FBI agent, mateys! Arrgh!"The director of the island, some annoyingly smug British adventurist, and his faux-Jamaican black buddy introduce the supporting cast to the movie as they unload from a Jeep. In horror movies like this (I use the term "horror" in the same way as I would to describe what I found floating in my toilet this morning), "supporting cast" simply means "victims." Each character is given a brief backstory ("they're here to shoot some modeling pictures", "they're here to find true love", "they're here because it's the director's ugly ass daughter and we have no choice but to put her in the film"), and they're shipped off to be killed by the snowman.

Meanwhile, or possibly later, or possibly earlier (there's very little emphasis on continuity in this film), a couple bitchy gay guys on a life raft are arguing over who gets to eat the last carrot they own. No, I'm not making this up. Yes, it's that stupid. They fight and whine and moan and eventually get offed by Jack Frost, who is apparently in liquid form and cruising around the ocean or lake or pond or bathtub or wherever the fuck they're supposed to be floating around in. Jack claims the carrot his, and somehow possesses it. I guess seeing some water near the ocean looks far too conspicuous; a talking carrot which moves on its own is much more believable.

Sheriff Sam, who is acting all depressed because he can't get his mind off the 68 million people Jack Frost murdered a year ago, sits around and hears flashbacks in his brain while everybody else dances around like convulsing half-wit morons. Suddenly Captain Fun (yes, I wrote "Captain Fun") shows up and attempts to cheer up Sheriff Sam by making him realize how wonderful his life is - after all, Sheriff Ron could be a blabbering idiot like Captain Fun. I can't really stress how intensely annoying this guy is. Every time he opens his mouth, it's like a fresh set of eight-inch nails (no, not nine) clawing against a blackboard while somebody takes a cheese grater to your testicles. Captain Fun? Not hardly. More like Captain... uh... um... NOT Fun! Yeah! Ha ha! Nevermind.

Three of the cute highschool girls from the first scene go to make out with their newly found boyfriends later that night, when one of them suddenly realizes that their bonfire on the beach is dying down. She does the only sensible thing at that point, which is to get up and "look for coal." Once again, I'd like to point out the fact that despite the massive amounts of brain damage I suffered while watching this film, I am NOT making this up. If I was, believe me, I'd make it a hell of a lot less stupid. Fortunately, the movie is at least consistent in raw idiocy, and the girl finds a straight line of coal laying along the inside of the jungle / backyard. Jack Frost manages to crush her as she's picking up coal chunks, and soon he murders the other idiots by stabbing one with an ice shard and jamming tongs in the other one's eyes. My initial reaction to this was "yawn," but after reconsidering, I have upgrading my reaction to "yawn" followed by "the noise one would make while attempting to pass a kitchen appliance through one's anal cavity."

Captain Fun. Captain of the Mantrain, undoubtedly.

The bodies of the braindead teens are discovered the next day, so Colonel Hickering (the boring British guy) calls in the service of the "Scary Dude", who is some guy with an eyepatch named "Manners." As it turns out, Manners is the FBI agent from the original "Jack Frost," and is now sporting an eyepatch (which he claims is the result of 13 consecutive plastic surgeries). They agree to cover up the murders and pretend nothing happened, because the way the girls were killed was obviously too dumb to admit to anybody with a quarter of a brain cell. After "disposing" of the bodies, the crew returns to their resort community in the sunny Bahamas / Colorado, only to discover that the phone lines and satellite dish have been sabotaged. If they would've only paid the extra $50 to get it snowman-proofed, this would've never happened.

Jack Frost kills an ugly model by turning into a piece of ice and letting her eat him, at which point she blows up and forces Jack Frost to say, "I guess she drank DECAPITATED coffee." This is funny and / or clever because it's a play on words, worthy of Shakespearean praise. Or a lengthy prison sentence, either way. Ol' Jack then disposes of her gay Asian cameraman by, well, doing something. All the action takes place off screen, and consists of the gay guy shrieking like a drama queen while "gross" sound effects are played and Jack Frost makes moronic comments that can be overheard in a nursery school.

The next day, Sheriff Incompetent reveals he "feels something cold," which is a chilling (ha ha!) bit of foreshadowing. Captain Fun and Manners plan on catching the killer by throwing a large party, which will (naturally) lure him into the open, where they can throw a net on him or trick him into stepping on Crazy Glue or whatever lame idea they had. During this festive party scene, all the characters' breath are visible, as the temperature in the Bahamas apparently drops to around 20 degrees at night. Jack Frost appears and begins to somehow start freezing the island, which probably didn't need too much effort since it's apparent it was frozen before. A woman who was sunbathing in the pitch-black night is frozen to death, and soon the island is covered with snow and ice. I guess the ability to change major weather systems goes hand in hand with becoming a homicidal snowman.

Oh no, he's getting ready to chill AND kill! Run!

Back at the party, some idiot kid notices his beer is warm, so he decides to stick his tongue to a frozen pole and pour the beer down the cold pole into his mouth. Need I remind you again that I'm not making this up? I'm not making this up. I haven't done enough horse tranquilizers to come up with something this moronic. The kid gets his head stuck to the pole, at which point Jack Frost comes up behind him and rips his tongue out of his mouth while saying, "Cowatongue-a, dude." Somebody shoot me now. Frost proceeds to throw deadly snowballs at everybody, ripping off their arms and killing them.

Sheriff Sam and his pussy posse try to lure Frost into a pool of antifreeze, which will presumably kill him, but doesn't end up killing him. Instead it causes Jack to start coughing up snowballs which turn into miniature Jack Frosts bent on murdering everybody. Hello rational human thinking, let me introduce you to "Jack Frost." Oh, I notice you've never met before. The baby snowballs, which thankfully murder Captain Fun, seem to be invincible and impervious to any forms of damage. I sincerely hope your will to live is like that, else you'll be sucking the end of a 9mm before this film gets halfway through.

Manners stumbles around some kind of abandoned barn, which is some kind of popular hangout for the killer snowbabies, who promptly molest him to death. Hooray. Sheriff Sam's wife throws a Banana Daiquiri on one, causing it to explode. Okay. This is because in the previous "Jack Frost" disaster, Sam and Jack Frost exchanged DNA, and Sam is allergic to bananas, which explains why Sam felt that Jack was near and why snow suddenly detonates when exposed to fruit. Right. The crew mixes up a bunch of bananas and proceed to lay waste to all snowbabies in some perverse ritual of genocide. Frost, realizing the movie is about to end, decides to eat Sheriff Sam's wife. Sheriff Sam hits Jack Frost with a banana on an arrow, causing him to blow up and freeing his wife. Nobody cares. The movie ends. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

As you can plainly see, "Jack Frost 2" isn't a very good movie. In fact, I think I'll go out on a limb and claim that it's a really fucking terrible movie. It's not a horror film because it's not scary. It's not a comedy because it's not funny. It's ultimately a waste of 90 minutes of your life, time which could be better spent jamming rusty paper clips under your fingernails until they hit bone. The only thing remarkable about this film is the fact that it fails on so many levels. I can wholeheartedly advise every single person out there to NEVER rent this movie. It's not even entertaining in a bad way. It's just long, boring, and painfully stupid. Stay away. Stay very far away.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)