Splatter University

Aside from the student body, the other problem with St. Trinian's is that we're 101% sure it's not actually a university. Even if you're willing to overlook the fact that the campus is clearly a decrepit Catholic high school, the level of education provided by doe-eyed sociology teacher Julie ranks somewhere around a bootleg VHS copy of a knockoff Sesame Street episode smuggled out of North Korea. Her inaugural lecture consists of, and we swear to God this is true, asking her class what they've seen in the news lately that they can talk about. We're not exactly talking about Stand and Deliver levels of inspiration here.

The movie can't just dick around drinking beer and sitting through content-free sociology lectures forever, although it sure feels like it. We know that when we think of the title "Splatter University", we definitely picture brain-damaged froshes hanging out at the local dive bar, intercut with long, tedious meetings about curriculum development. Eventually the killer finally gets off his ass and starts offing co-eds to the sweet sounds of the Concerto for Electrolyzed Tuba in J Minor:

That one girl's ability to scream for a solid minute with a totally severed windpipe is a pretty great party trick (too bad she can only do it once.) Also, very sporting of the killer to drag her body back there just so that developmentally disabled guy could prank himself into a quiet rage.

Through all of the tedium, Richard Haines takes great care to preserve the mystery of exactly who the killer is (well, we know he's the escaped mental patient, but we don't get to see his face.) Hmm, could it be the generic guy every single character thinks is the killer who was dating the last teacher who was killed? Or is it the crazy-eyed priest in a wheelchair who likes to peep out of his office window and throw used porno magazines into the dumpster behind the school and then pray over them? This is a real headscratcher. Actually, the real mystery is how the priest who runs the entire college can just wander around town past all the mysterious murders and nobody ever recognizes him.

Splatter University is a varsity course in how to shoot yourself in the foot repeatedly while trying to make a slasher. The one good idea comes at the very end, when Father Schizophrenic is given away by his bleeding Jesus on a cross novelty knife. Well, alright, it's not a good idea, but relative to the rest of the tedium here it's a flash of genius. Roll credits, which include (of all things) a "contributing screenwriter." We hope to God he contributed the Jesus knife thing, because otherwise he'd better not show his face on a movie set ever again.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)