How Did You Celebrate Autism Day?

As far as I'm concerned everybody has "Asperger's". Who really likes making small talk with others? No one. Who enjoys meeting new people? Not me. Who really thrives on social interaction? Queers do. If we had it our way we'd be sitting at home all day on our asses and watching TV with the one or two people that we actually can stand to be around.

Does not want to kick ball. Would rather play Jenga.Neither CNN nor myself can unravel the mystery of autism, but I sure as hell can do something about this Asperger's nonsense.

If you just follow my simple advice nobody will know you sit at home and post non-stop about the next Grand Theft Auto game and ask questions like, "Don't you think it would be cool if there were gas stations in the game and you have to fill up your car with gas or syphon gas from other vehicles and the gas prices update in real-time according to real-world oil prices oh and you should be able to be arrested and face trial and defend yourself in court????"

Be More Mainstream

One of the most infuriating things about you people who claim to have Asperger's is that you never know when to shut the hell up. You go on and on about things no one has ever heard of or care about. People's polite, subtle clues to show you they aren't interested, like glancing at their watch or setting themselves on fire, go unnoticed.

I'm not telling you to stop talking about stupid shit, but be more mainstream about it. For example, I happen to enjoy Disney parks. Disneyland is pretty mainstream as a vacation destination and almost everyone has enough frame of reference to have a conversation about it.

But few people care about the ins and outs of the park, the rumors, and the "awful injustice" that occurs when classic attractions are closed and nerds get upset. People just couldn't care less.

That's why if I were to talk about Disneyland to someone who clearly isn't as interested in it as I am, I'd bring up a more mainstream topic like this.

Me: Hey, did you hear about It's a Small World?
Them:: Uh, no. Why?
Me: Well, it turns out that they are rebuilding the ride because Americans are so goddamn fat that it causes boats to slow down and stall completely.
Them: Haha really?
Me: Yeah, because the employees had to make extra space around fat people so the boats don't sink, which made the line longer for everyone. And when the boat does stall they have to ask the fatties to get out and escort them off the ride. Some of them get mad because they are singled out but a free churro takes care of that!
Them: Haha those fucking fatties I just wish they would all die!

Aspie Fun Fact: Jack Skellington suffered from Asperger's.Aaaaaaand freeze. See? Through our mutual hatred of fat people I was able to share a non-awkward moment with another human being while talking about one of my favorite nerdy subjects! It's really that easy. Of course, if you don't keep it mainstream the situation will turn ugly very quickly.

Me: Hey, did you hear about It's a Small World?
Them:: Uh, no. Why?
Me: Well, it turns out that they are adding Disney characters to the ride when it reopens later this year!
Them: Uh, okay... What's wrong with that?
Me: Don't you see??? It'll ruin the ride!!!
Them: Uhhh...
Me: We cannot allow them to desecrate Mary Blair's legendary work! The Disney characters introduce a perverse divisiveness diametrically opposed to the original import of the attraction. Once a select group of special privileged inhabitants of the World are distinctly identifiable Disney Stars, the remainder are necessarily relegated to the status of homogenous background bit players. The audience, too, becomes divided into the "haves" who have seen the films and focus on identifying the stars while neglecting the supporting players, while the "have nots" are left out of the game: the very antithesis of the attraction's original thrust.
Them: *dies*

Now you see how talking about stupid crap no one cares about can be lethal. If this had been a real conversation I would be arrested for murder and thrown in prison. I actually got that last part from a Disneyland watchdog site. Theme parks are serious business!