 The Crimson Scarlet | Location: Highland, UT Origin: Raised by Mormons. Powers: 30 years of reading Family Circle Magazine has given The Crimson Scarlet an immense knowledge of table setting ideas and Apple Brown Betty recipes. Weakness: Her husband's other, prettier wives; leather bed restraints. Organization: The Modern-Day Saints Greatest Accomplishment: Was given special backyard privileges for stopping her menstrual cycle by sheer willpower alone. Quote: "Villains, beware! I know where you sleep at night: my house." |
 Darklyman | Location: Lawrence, KS Origin: Fell asleep in a giant bowl of Cheetos. Powers: Can make any object translucent by merely rubbing it on his face. Weakness: Litigation from Sam Raimi and Universal Pictures; constant beatings from random passersby. Organization: Registered Sex Offenders Greatest Accomplishment: Cooked up a batch of emergency French Fries using only the oil collected from his skin. Quote: "You impersonate a kindergarten teacher just once and suddenly you're the bad guy!" |
 Night Mayor | Location: Stow, OH Origin: Unsuccessfully ran for mayor. Powers: Knowledge of the real mayor's schedule and security codes allows Night Mayor to rule the city's bureaucracy with an iron fist after 5:00 PM. Weakness: Night Deputy Zoning Commissioner Earl Franklin. Organization: Fun Run Charities International Greatest Accomplishment: Removed the greatest evil the city had ever known: that stop sign over by the CVS. Quote: "The real mayor may make the trains run on time, but the trains don't even run at all when Night Mayor's around!" |
 Doggrabber | Location: Undisclosed Origin: As a child, watched a single episode of Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Powers: Can romance any medium-sized dog in three different dog languages known only by Doggrabber.. Weakness: The ASPCA, hoses. Organization: NADLA Greatest Accomplishment: Dated The Bedtimer for three months just to get closer to her border collie, Sasha; today, they are married and enjoy an open relationship. Quote: "Baby, I'm about to show you why I put the 'best' in bestiality. And the 'dog fucking' in 'Hey, that guy's fucking my dog!'" |
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Pardon Our Dust
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DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
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Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
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