This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979
SUBJECT: Inventory Irregularities

In the wake of Kid's Day, I expect every one of you to work twice as hard today to make up for the mind-numbing lollygagging that took place yesterday. I knew I hired the biggest collection of idiots in the country, but I had no idea you were all such terrible parents. I haven't seen so many unfit mothers and pansy fathers since my time in the war, when I bulldozed my way through one village after another killing savages.

I will also be personally conducting a thorough audit of our inventory. I will know if anything has been taken, because I conducted a thorough audit the day before you brought your rotten children into my pristine building. I will keep you posted throughout the day, and if I find any irregularities there will be a RECKONING.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979
SUBJECT: Complaints About My Behavior, Missing Kids

Some of you have had the audacity to question my decision to take some of the older boys on a "field trip" to the Bouncy House. It's amazing any of you would question me, since I was upfront about where I was taking them. Are that many of you really not familiar with local strip clubs? What other Bouncy House would I mean? Either way, I was intending to make men out of your sissy boys, and I think I succeeded with a few of them. Leland Brownwig's kid is already a little hound dog, and a mean one at that. He made two strippers cry on his first visit, which is something I didn't accomplish until my third visit.

In short: you're all welcome.

On another note, apparently five kids are still unaccounted for. I think at least one of them is probably still at the Bouncy House, but I'm not sure about the other four. Nobody is to waste any business time searching for the missing kids. If they turn up in the process of doing work, that's fine, but I don't want anyone wasting even one second hunting them down. If I get wind of any work dodging, you'll all be putting in extra hours and so will your kids.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979
SUBJECT: Touching My Dog

I was just made aware that some of your children were touching Bouillon, my mean son of a bitch of a dog. As you all know-- and some of the less intelligent of you have complained about-- Bouillon hasn't been the same since Tall Charlie put a bullet in his head. He's a fighter like me, and refuses to die until every last doubting jackass dies first.

As Manuel Rodriguez explained to me, some children were poking Bouillon with a broom, and one child even went so far as to stick a finger in the seeping hole just above his snout, the spot where the bullet entered the first time (the bullet then exited his head, ricocheted off a broth pump, and entered his head a second time).

This technique seems to have helped Bouillon a lot, as he isn't doing his usual post-shooting routine of chewing on his own nose, which is dangling off his face. If your child did this, bring them to me at once so they can teach me the technique. I've shoved my fingers in all 4 bullet entry points trying to relax him, but haven't met with any success.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979
SUBJECT: Found One

Manuel recovered a small ginger child with a harelip lodged between two hot water heaters. He was pretty grimy but after hosing him off it doesn't look like there's any real damage aside from some burns and rat bites. If this is your dumb kid, you can pick it up at the end of the day. Manuel locked him in the supply room to keep him out of trouble.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979
SUBJECT: Disrespecting My Son

It has come to my attention that a few young girls were making light of my idiot rockabilly son's appearance. I want to make it especially clear that I am the only person in this building who is ever allowed to insult my disappointing failure of a son. Nobody else gets that privilege. If you want to insult an idiot because of his dumb choices and stupid haircut, look in the mirror, jackass. I want these little girls brought to my office first thing tomorrow morning so I can insult them. Believe you me, I won't let up until they're all crying.

Also this is a place of business where everyone works. I expect your stupid children to put in a full day's work to make up for this behavior. The vat pumps need cleaning, and only little hands can fit inside them anyway.

Also, Leland, I got an urgent call from the Bouncy House about your kid. Not only do you need to pick him up immediately, but he's banned for life from the establishment. I made a real man out of your boy. Since I'm feeling good about my work mentoring your kid, you can make up the hours you lose retrieving him this coming Saturday.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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