The Best Cures for Insomnia

Trouble sleeping? Tossing and turning at night? Can't remember the last time you weren't conscious? You may be suffering from the deadly condition known as insomnia. Insomnia kills millions of people every year, since it's a known fact that most people die while awake. It can also cause depression, fatigue and poor performance at jobs that require one to be asleep, such as mattress tester and con man from Inception. Fortunately, there are several proven ways to curb your insomnia and get a good night's rest.

Only Use Your Bed for Sleep and Sex

One of the leading causes of insomnia is spending too much time awake in bed, making the brain associate it with wakefulness. Ideally, you should only be in bed while sleeping or having sex. Therefore, if you're in bed but can't sleep, you should either get up or start having sex, either with a partner, a sex toy or the bed itself. If you prefer the latter, you should probably buy giant clothes and a wig for your bed to make it look sexier.

Limit Screen Time Before Bed

Sleep specialists agree that staring at screens before bedtime contributes to insomnia, so try not to use your television, computer or smartphone an hour before going to bed. You should also avoid using windows, which are screens into the outside world, glasses, which are screens on your face, and your own eyes, which are nature's screens. To be safe, you should probably just wrap your entire head in gaffer's tape.

Wakeaholics Anonymous

Many people may have trouble sleeping because, like alcoholics, they've become addicted to being awake. If you're one of these people, you can fight your addiction using the same method as Alcoholics Anonymous. First admit that you have wakefulness problem, then ask God or some higher power for assistance, then apologize to everyone you know for everything you've ever done while awake. These simple steps, plus weekly meetings with other wakeaholics, will put you on the road to recovery.

Relax

There are several relaxation techniques that can ease your transition into sleep. One is reading a calming book before bedtime. Sleep is a "journey to the end of the night," so why not read Louis-Ferdinand Celine's classic novel of the same name? The soothing descriptions of trench warfare and the futility of existence should lull you to sleep in no time. Another helpful method is to repeat a relaxing mantra like "eight hours until work" or "how do I escape the brain maze?"

Convince Your Brain that It's Asleep

If your brain thinks it's dreaming, it releases melatonin and other sleep hormones that cause drowsiness. You can use this to your advantage and trick your brain into falling asleep by staging detailed recreations of your dreams. This method may be expensive depending on which dreams you choose, so try to pick ones that don't require lots of actors and props. Maybe the one where you're sitting on the couch drinking orange milk, or the one where that eyeless girl is floating over your bed and you try to scream but can't move.

Realize That All Life Is a Dream

Probably the best cure for insomnia is to realize that it doesn't actually exist. You can't be suffering from insomnia if you're already asleep, which in fact you are. Your entire life up until now has been an elaborate dream that you've mistaken for reality, a dream you may repeat forever if you wish, or awaken from into the next realm of consciousness. What awaits you there is uncertain, but if possible try to limit your caffeine intake and go to bed at a reasonable hour: you want to get another 6-8 eternities of sleep tomorrow night.

– Jedidiah (@notoriousamoeba)