Confederate Flag Etiquette and Disposal

While no official flag code exists for the Confederate Flag, Confederate Battle Flag, or variations, it is customary for these flags to be displayed from sunrise to sunset and also overnight on buildings and stationary flagstaffs, truck back windows, belly-stretched sleeveless t-shirts, covering the inside of bunkers, rallies for the second amendment and in front of certain state government buildings. The display of the Confederate flag is protected by law in the state of South Carolina. Also, the Confederate flag should not be displayed when the weather is inclement, except when you are too drunk to take it down or fuck those people down the street, even when it's raining they need to see it on your truck out their window.

On Same Staff

Below the U.S. flag if it's the 4th of July, above or in place of the flag of the northern aggressors on all other days.

Grouped

Confederate flag goes to its own right. Gadsden flag, Rhodesian flag, Nazi flag, ISIS flag, etc. may be flown at equal height.

Marching

Kelly and Debbie can hold the big flag you won at the fish fry raffle while they stand in the bed of your truck. They can go "Woooooooo!" and are permitted to drink beer in one hand while they hold the flag.

On Speaker's Platform

When displayed with a speaker's platform, it must be above and behind whoever is talking about states' rights, immigration, welfare or rock-rapping at the fair grounds. If it makes up the entirety of the background you are allowed to carry a rifle slung over your shoulder.

Decoration

Feel free to use the Confederate flag for decoration. Plaster it all over everything. Paint it onto car hoods. Look up how to make Confederate flag cookies and get tattoos.

Salute

All persons wearing military uniforms they bought off the Internet should talk drunkenly about how the Civil War wasn't even about slavery. Look it up. Abraham Lincoln wasn't against slavery either until it became convenient. Non-preppers and non-military-enthusiasts may honor the flag by loudly discussing who the real racists are. To get you started: It's not white people.

Half Staff

If you can get Debbie to put the dogs out back for one goddamn minute, and watch them this time, then you can climb up on the ladder and lower the Confederate flag to half staff on special days of remembrance. This includes lowering it ironically to half staff when a bunch of colored people die.

• Do not cover up the words "FUCK OFF" on the Confederate welcome mat on your porch.
• Do not wear the Confederate flag as a cape around an open flame.
• Do not cover the secret entrance to your drug lab tunnel with the Confederate flag because the flow of air will move the flag and reveal the tunnel.
• Do not use the Confederate flag to clean your truck after you go mudding unless there is absolutely nothing else to use.
• Do not draw or write on your Confederate flag unless you are getting it signed at an official NASCAR event.
• Do not use the Confederate flag in your email signature if your boss is running for office higher than a state senator. The same goes for ending emails with "Heil Hitler!"
• Do not leave the Confederate flag where your dog can get to it because remember when he ate that whole t-shirt and you had to pull it out of his butt.

If your Confederate flag gets a smell in it that you can't Febreze out or it starts looking too gnarly to honor all of them fallen heroes of the Confederacy it may be time to replace it. Before you staple up your new Confederate flag to the fake wood paneling of your basement you will need to properly dispose of the old flag. It is important you give the Confederate flag the respect it deserves during the disposal.

1. Rake all the animal waste you can find in your yard into a pile and place the old Confederate flag over it. Stomp and grind dog, cat, and pig shit into the Confederate flag.

2. Wad the Confederate flag up into a shit smeared ball and place it in a trash bag.

3. Drive the trash bag to any statue honoring a general or political leader of the Confederacy.

4. Remove the shitty flag from the garbage bag and cover the head of the monument with the flag.

5. Douse both in gasoline or kerosene.

6. Light and step back.

7. If any pieces of the Confederate flag break loose while the flag is burning it is important you track them down and extinguish them with piss to prevent the fire from spreading to anything useful.

8. Once the Confederate flag is completely consumed, speak appropriate words of thanks to President Abraham Lincoln, General William Tecumseh Sherman, and General Ulysses S. Grant for saving the nation and the world from the cowardly traitors of the Confederate States of America and leaving your ancestors alive rather than putting them to the sword like they deserved.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)