Channel Zero Teen News

CODY

Hey, wassup everybody, it's Cody here with Karina for tonight's closing segment "Totally Awesome Stuff You Didn't Know About the Moon."

KARINA

SOUNDS awesome, Cody.

CUT TO Clip of Borat saying "Nice!" [471-B]

CODY

Karina, did you know that if you hollowed out the moon, it would take nearly eight billion cans of energy drink to replace the lost mass?

KARINA

Wow, I think I chugged that much Power Hound when I crammed for my last trig test!

CUT TO Clip of Borat saying "Great success!" [322-B]

CODY

More Houndage by the poundage! Now Karina, you know I love macaroni and cheese. Basically, I don't see why it shouldn't be served with every meal, especially those Cheeztaroni Insta-Pouches. Who needs to cook when you can rip, squirt, and bounce? And that really makes me think... how much of that stuff would I need to completely coat the surface of the moon?

CUT TO Clip of Fat Bastard screaming "Get in my belly!"

KARINA

Well, Cody, you're lucky I have Cheeztaroni on the brain. It would take 835 million Intapouches, 167 if you're buying the Family Sack.

CODY

Wow, that might be too much Cheeztaroni even for me!

CUT TO Clip of Borat saying "NOT!"

KARINA

You're not going to BELIEVE this next moon secret, Cody. Remember how Neil Armstrong played golf in outer space? It was sick! But what's even sicker is the new slew of downloadable golfers in Kirch Birtner's Tee-Off 2012. Now with playable Dorf!

DEEP-VOICED MAN BACKSTAGE

Playable Dorf.

CODY

Uh, Karina? I DON'T think that's an Awesome Moon Fact.

KARINA

Sure it is! Because those graphics are OUT OF THIS WORLD!

CUT TO Soup Nazi screaming "No soup for you!" [087-S]

CODY

Fair enough, Karina, but I'm afraid it's time for our last Awesome Moon Fact! You know, it turns out that that moon isn't just famous for showing up in werewolf movies -- this summer, it's about to enter the world of science fiction with Changeobots VI: Moonsphere of Darkness. Join all of your favorite Changeobots on an all-new adventure this summer! And the best part?

(whispering to camera)

It's five hours long.

DEEP-VOICED MAN BACKSTAGE

Five hours.

KARINA

Wow, that's more movie than two movies!

CUT TO Austin Powers yelling "Behave!" [636-A]

CODY

Well, looks like we're out of time here on Channel Zero news. Remember all of those Awesome Moon Facts, because you'll be quizzed on them over the following five minutes by your homeroom teacher!

KARINA

Don't worry, Cody. I've got "extra credit."

Karina pulls out a can of Power Hound and drinks it. Afterwards, she looks much smarter somehow. Figure it out with makeup or something.

CODY

Channel Zero Teen News would like to remind you that the claims of Power Hound Maximum Quench Energy Stew have not been evaluated or verified by the FDA. Have a swag Thursday, dudes!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey