What Happens In Your Computer Every Time You Click Your Mouse

[LIGHTS GO OUT, REPLACED BY A DIM RED GLOW]

CAPTAIN: All hands to battle stations! This is not a drill!

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Captain, we have received an order from the White Mouse for a click launch!

CAPTAIN: Prepare firing tube A. Ready firing tube B in case this turns into a double-click. We don't want to be caught with our pants down. Navigator, bring the target zone up on the map.

PRIVATE NETSCAPE: [VOICE CRACKING] Aye aye, sir!

[HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF THE MAP TABLE, THE CAPTAIN LEANS FORWARD AND SURVEYS THE HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION]

CAPTAIN: Overlay previous clicks in the region. Hm. Looks like we're either firing on a spaghetti recipe link, a close button, accidentally clicking "Create shortcut" instead of "Delete", or an image search result for "Velma sexy".

XO: Or it's a misclick. Sir.

CAPTAIN: Don't you dare start this again, XO. We have our firing solution. Prepare launch keys.

[RELUCTANTLY, THE XO INSERTS HIS KEY NEXT TO THE CAPTAIN'S]

CAPTAIN: Turn on three. One. Tw-

XO: Sir, wait. What if this is a misclick? Let me request a confirmation code.

CAPTAIN: Damn it, we don't have time to confirm! I gave you an order.

XO: Do you have any idea what this means? If we execute this order, we could start a series of events that ends in catastrophe - accidently entering Sleep mode or installing an Adobe product.

CAPTAIN: [SLOWLY, THROUGH HIS TEETH] It's not. Our decision. To make. Or would you prefer mutiny?

XO: [POINTING A HANDGUN] I didn't want it to come to this, sir.

CAPTAIN: [ALSO POINTING A HANDGUN] That makes two of us.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: No, wait! I'm in love with you!

CAPTAIN AND XO: Who?

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: [HANDGUNS AKIMBO, ONE POINTED AT THE CAPTAIN AND THE OTHER POINTED AT THE XO] Both of you.

CAPTAIN: Looks like we got ourselves a classic love triangle standoff.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: [TILTING HEAD AS SOMETHING COMES IN OVER HEADPHONES] We have a confirmation code. The order is genuine.

XO: Understood.

[THE XO AND CAPTAIN LOWER THEIR WEAPONS, POINTING THEM AT THEIR LAUNCH KEYS]

CAPTAIN: Turn on three. One.

[CLOSE UP OF A SWEATY BROW]

CAPTAIN: Two.

[CLOSE UP OF A SWEATY LAUNCH KEY]

CAPTAIN: Three.

[CLOSE UP OF PANTS CROTCH BARELY CONCEALING A HALF CHUB, THEN CLOSE UP OF BOTH LAUNCH KEYS TURNING]

XO: We have launch. God forgive us.

CAPTAIN: Cook, prepare the ceremonial ice cream cake.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)