Diet Riot

As a child, you can be skinny but still suffer the same horrible embarrassment as fat kids.

As a formerly skinny man who is doing his hardest to become a bloated, Kraken-like entity able to swallow up entire Shriner conventions in a single gulp, I am well aware of how important a well-balanced diet is to maintaining obesity. You see, I used to run cross country approximately 60,000 years ago in high school, a mystical time when my metabolism had the magic powers to convert stuff like Twinkies, pork, and cans of lard into useful things like oxygen, vitamin A, or hilarious noises that were emitted from my rear end. I'm not exactly sure how this process worked, but if I had to take a guess I'd say it had something to do with atoms. Regardless, high school kids fall into one of three categories:

1) Skinny kids - These are the teenagers who stereotypically play games that involve 20-sided dice and a 500-page manual describing the mood swings of an Enchanted Red Cave Orc With PMS +8. Now since I don't want to make any sweeping generalizations here, let me explain that not all skinny high school kids play games that involve 20-sided dice and 500-page manuals; some of them also play those idiotic card games that have pictures of elves on the front and are worth $400 to fat guys wearing R2D2 shirts. These kids are often picked on because their lack of body mass makes it easier for them to fall down when pushed aside by jocks or football team coaches or preppy kids who wear sweaters wrapped around their neck and call each other names like "Baxter" or "Jennings." If you're a skinny kid in high school and are looking to gain weight, the only answer is to eat a lot of greasy fat foods so you'll grow a bunch of zits on your face and the acne will add about 15 pounds to your total weight.

2) Average kids - Children in this category are neither fat nor skinny, they're simply average. Some of them might be a bit muscular and have names like "Tank" or "Tank Boss," but generally speaking, average kids are fairly average. They enjoy sports such as tennis, soccer, baseball, football, and smoking. Since they fall into the "average" weight class, they can afford to grow mullets and drive an IROC-Z (NOTE: for all you skinny nerd kids, that's "IROC-Z" and not a misspelling of "IRC"). The average population of kids in high school consists mostly of average kids, children who are neither too fat nor too skinny, unless you live in Houston where babies are routinely extracted from their mothers using an industrial-sized Jaws of Life© ® ™ ¥.

3) Fat kids - Fat kids have the unfortunate feature of being fat, which prohibits them from being classified in the "skinny" or "average" group of kids. Scientists have conclusively proven that no fat children have ever been popular in high school, unless if you're referring to them as being a popular punching bag or target to throw staplers at. Fat kids also point out when you end sentences with hanging prepositions, so that's reason enough to not like them. This group of kids are responsible for 90% of the fabric produced in the clothing industry, and regularly wear shirts that could completely envelope major national monuments. I should know; I've had to mail out the XXXL Something Awful T-shirts, articles of clothing large enough to cover an entire SWAT team.

You routinely eat things like this on a daily basis! Did you know that? No wonder you're so fucked up!

Now while this is all well and good, once high school ends, bad things begin happening to people's bodies. For example, there's college. In addition to that, people begin noticing that their metabolism isn't quite as metabolic as it once used to be. The days of eating an entire large pizza topped with a 24-ounce steak marinated in cotton candy suddenly end, and people realize that their body lost its ability to break down unhealthy foods and turn them into, well, whatever the hell the body turns junk food into. Let's look at two different scenarios here:

SCENARIO #1: A 16-year old kid eats a McDonald's hamburger. All the fat, cholesterol, grease, bug parts, and fried yarn are broken down by the teenager's young digestive system, converting them into things like skin or lungs or gold or whatever. Oh wait a second, I think they're probably atoms, everything eventually gets converted into atoms. Anyway, you got all these teenagers running around full of atoms and listening to Marilyn Manson and Korn and putting sparkly "PRINCESS" stickers on the back of their cars, so you can see that there are slight problems with this equation.

SCENARIO #2: A 40-year old man eats a McDonald's hamburger. Due to the fact that his digestive system is old and tired, absolutely none of the hamburger is digested and it all simply flies down his throat and lodges itself in his stomach lining next to his Twizzlers depot and the fleshy bag of onion ring parts. No atoms are produced because the body is simply fed up (ha ha, what a pun!) with converting junk food to atoms for the past 40 years or so. Sometimes the body rebels and actually exhibits reverse atomization, in which it converts random floating atoms inside a person's body into fatty foods such as ham and cheesecake. You could just be sitting around, minding your own business and watching reruns of "Hanging With Mr. Cooper," and then suddenly you'll have the taste of coconut creme pie in your mouth. That's how your body works; it simply hates you for making it convert crappy food to atoms. If your body had its way, it would probably vote to make your head explode

As you can see by these two scenarios, the human body is an exciting and wonderful device not unlike a garage door opener or handgun. However, your body is subject to wear and tear just like any other wonderful device, so as the years pass by and you realize how significantly bloated you have become, you notice your body is rebelling against you just like that one episode of "Saved By the Bell" where Zack bought a motorcycle jacket to annoy his parents. Of course this analogy means you're Zack's parents and your body is a teenage boy who purchases black clothing, so maybe I didn't choose the best way to explain this process. Luckily I don't care and neither does your body unless you print out this update and try to eat the paper, in which case it will rebel against you by purchasing a motorcycle jacket through a mail order catalogue or worse yet, eBay.

To prohibit your body from buying jackets, many doctors and fitness experts across the globe have written trillions of diet books that explain in detail how to keep your body in shape and prevent it from turning into what appears to be a colossal fried potsticker. While these books might offer worthless crap like scientifically-proven evidence and time tested methods of weight loss, there is a distinct downside to them: they cost money, money which you could be spending on car payments or office supplies. So as a service to you, a member of the general public (granted, the general creepy public), I have created a list of surefire ways to lose weight, methods that won't cost you a cent to read or save to a text file named "horsecock.txt." After all, you need to hold onto every penny for your impending lawsuit against this website for offering the following irresponsible and highly dangerous advice.

IRRESPONSIBLE AND HIGHLY DANGEROUS ADVICE FOR EATING HEALTHY AND LOSING WEIGHT AND WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE I WAS WRITING ABOUT

Hahaha, look at this! This nutritional label claims there's iron in it! That must be a typo or something. Iron, haha!

1) Make sure to read the nutritional information product labels before buying or consuming them (the actual product, not the labels). Companies are required by law to list the ingredients of their food products so sea captain pirates can choose the correct food to purchase before setting sail to discover rare spices, such as salt, across the seas, such as Lake Michigan. Before this law was enacted, sea captain pirates were getting scurvy all the time and had no idea how to keep this horrible disease at bay (this is another clever pun) because they didn't know what foods prevented scurvy. They tried everything; butter, coffee grounds, chocolate, but nothing worked. Eventually the Pirate Union lobbied the government enough to enact a nutritional label law forcing companies to list the health aspects of consuming their food products. Before you eat something, take a close look at the label and decide if eating this item will help you in your ultimate goal of becoming less fat. Let's look at a couple examples:

NUTRITIONAL FACTS: Total Fat (4g), Saturated Fat (1.5 g), Semi-Saturated Fat (1.0g), The Artist Formerly Known as Saturated Fat (.5 g), Cholesterol (0 mg), Sodium (70 mg), Protein (2g), Impurities Such As Insect Parts and Shoestrings (2 g).

As you can tell from the clear and concise summary, this is a relatively healthy item to eat (it is a Quaker Chewy Granola Bar), so feel free to buy a truckload of them and eat at least 38 a day. The nutritional facts are straightforward and easy to read, thereby allowing you, the consumer, to know exactly what horrible things are entering your body. However, not all nutritional labels are as helpful and explicit as the Quaker Chewy Granola Bar example. Take a look at the following label which I saw in a local convenience store:

WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking is hazardous to your health. Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy. Smoking by pregnant women may result in fetal injury, premature birth, and low birth rate.

Now I'm not sure what the company was thinking when they wrote this label, but it doesn't offer hardly ANY information regarding the nutritional aspects of their product! I mean, I can't even tell how many calories it has or what percentage of it is saturated fat! I assumed that since no fat or cholesterol was listed on the label it was fat and cholesterol-free, so I proceeded to purchase 40 cartons of them. After taking them home and eating a couple dozen, I realized that they tasted horrible! This proves that they're indeed very healthy since the worse something tastes, the more nutrition it offers.

2) Make sure your diet is well balanced and contains items from the 10 basic food groups: meat, vegetables, milk and milky substances, grain, taffy, liquor, deep fried things, fruits, oxygen, and bridal cake. If you fail to eat an item in one of these food groups, your body will attempt to convert one different type of food to that group, which often results in a real mess. Have you ever tried to convert pork into coffee creamer? It hardly ever works, and when it does you really wish it didn't.

These people are cyberExercising on the Information Superhighway! It probably involves VRML too.

3) Exercise frequently. Working out is nature's way of punishing your body and blackmailing it into converting more fat into atoms which are discharged via sweat. Just remember this motto: "the more you sweat, the skinnier you get." Develop a regular fitness routine and abide by it each and every day so your body gets used to the pain and torture it must endure. If you predict that you may miss a day, demand that one of your friends exercise for you. Popular exercise routines include running, walking, swimming, tetherball, eluding the police, writing goth poetry, and putting out chemical fires.

4) Stay away from high calorie foods and instead substitute them with low calorie items. Instead of eating an entire Stucky's pecan log, why not chew on a wad of masking tape for three hours? Sure that fried turkey may taste great, but chugging a shotglass full of caulking will be much better on the arteries (arteries are these big red things under your skin that convert blood into oxygen or oxygen into blood or ghosts or something).

5) As a general rule, avoid eating anything that is colored either neon orange or police-tape yellow. This includes candy corn, Doritos, movie theater buttered popcorn, and circus peanuts. These foods are composed of complex alien alloys found in UFO crashes, giving them that glow-in-the-dark feature which makes them so attractive to people who attend monster truck rallies and gun shows.

I hope these tips and chunks of advise have helped you understand the complex and wonderful world of weight loss, a world where all bets are off and action is in the cards and he was framed for a crime he didn't commit. And if for some inexplicable reason you didn't gain any insight from this article, you have nobody to blame but yourself because you're obviously too stupid to understand even the most simple concept of your spleen converting Jello into atoms. Your body obviously hates you and you deserve to be fat, jerk.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)