Excuse me, ma'am, is the man of the house at home? Well, then I couldn't have come at a better time! You'll notice five percent of my body is already in your house, now if you'd just allow the remaining 95--and there we go. Ma'am, what if I told you I have the miracle of a lifetime right here in this briefcase? No, it's not some variety of immortality potion; frankly, my previous employer is still reeling from that class-action lawsuit. Now, this wondrous little item might only be two wads of cotton fitted to a plastic stick, but it's sure to turn this dreary abode into a replica of a castle you'd find at a child's amusement park.
"Say, these look mighty familiar," you might be heard to say if I wanted to give you a word in edgewise. In your vast, immeasurable ignorance, you might think these are just your average, garden-variety Q-tips. Well, that's where you're wrong, ma'am--and frankly, I pity you.The Q-tip has gotten a real bum rap lately, mostly due to all the deafenings. To be honest, I blame the users. But if you take a look at the packaging here, you'll notice there's no mention of ears at all--hold it for yourself, that's real molded plastic you're feeling. That's right--and I'll take that back from you--we in the Q-tip biz are undergoing a serious rebranding, one that fits your particular rut-based lifestyle.
If you'll just take one gander at this miracle stick, you'll find what it can do for you. Now, I assume this house has its share of torches--there's no need to answer, ma'am. We've heard it all before: "These torches are just so clumsy! How many can I possibly carry--seven, eight tops?" Well, if you'll just watch me apply some flame to one end here, and there we go. At least ten seconds of fire--that's what separates us from the animals, y'know. Now, you don't want to inhale those fumes in directly, ma'am. We're not quite sure what they do to the old breathing pipes yet. But for those uncomfortable moments when the hubby eats--based on your income level--a plate of baked beans for dinner, nothing clears the room of unmentionable odors faster than one of these babies.
And what of those unsightly, and possibly microscopic spills that happen around the kitchen? We've all been there. In our haste to drink a delicious paper cup full of wine, one wild drop always seems to find its way to the floor. But this is no job for Brawny, ma'am. If you'll allow me to prick my finger, I'll demonstrate. There we are--oh, and it's still going. Must have nicked an artery. Well, if you watch me simply roll this cotton swab around the edge, you'll notice that's at least three drops of absorbency. And when you're done? Into the trash can it belongs! That's right: there's no need for cumbersome storage cases or complex disposal solutions--simply pop it in the trash and it goes wherever the trash goes! But you'll want to hit that puddle with some paper towels before it stains the formica.
Ma'am, the possibilities are endless. Have you ever wondered what amount of nightmarish genetic material collects between your keyboard's keys? Are you interested in making small rodents fight each other with tiny staffs like in the television classic, American Gladiators? Sorry, but I'm feeling a bit light-headed--would you happen to have a paper cup of wine? That always chases away the dizzies! Now, if you'll allow me to continue my sales pitch from the floor, here, I'll continue to tell you the wonders the Q-tip lifestyle can bring you. For instance, did you realize you can use one to dial the phone number for the police from a nominal distance? Bring that phone over here for a live demonstration! I hit a guy with my Buick on the way over here and I know from experience there are some things Q-tips can't erase.
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.