Your Guide to the American Economic Recession

These things got our family through some tough times.Okay, I know what you're all thinking. Why would Something Awful feature an article on the economy and the recession? What do they have to offer that isn't simply CNN's Business section poorly paraphrased, with curse words and anime references peppered throughout? If you came here expecting that, you'd be exactly right. But I know more about economic downturns than one might expect.

When I was a kid my grandpa used to tell us about how he lived through the Great Depression. It was a time of financial prosperity. My grandfather lived in a three story mansion and sampled the finest delicacies from all over the world. Of course, my grandpa was a noose salesman and the thirties were a boon for his industry. Sure, you could build your own noose, but nothing hangs 'em like a genuine Thompson Noose, 100% guaranteed to hold firm or your money back.

The feelings of that era linger above us once again as a recession rears its ugly head. I'm not worried since I've inherited my family's line of rope, toaster, and 20th story window manufacturing plants. But for others the prospect of a recession means that the era of living beyond your means is at an end. For the first time in a long time Americans will simply have to live at their means.

Okay, so a recession isn't as bad as a Grape Depression, sure, but what is a recession? Has it started yet? Luckily for you I took exactly one economics course and suddenly I know everything there is to know about the economy.

But I didn't take microeconomics. That's small-time economics for losers. That's balance-your-checkbook-and-see-how-you-did-in-the-class-faux-stock-market-game shit. Ooo, you made a 23% return on your monopoly money, you get an A+! I took macroeconomics, where the big boys play. We're talking international currency supply and demand stock market shit. Ever hear of something called a Euro? Heh, I thought not.

With my superior knowledge of all things finance I have amassed a vast fortune of pogs and Pokemon cards. My brilliant investing and Dragon Ball hedge funds ensure that I never have to work another day in my life. Never bet against Goku. His charged spirit ball exploded in a blast of dividends and defeated the fiscally conservative Vegeta once and for all. That was the day I made my first million, but I threw half of it away on Gohan municipal bonds. Gohan sucks and was never as powerful as Goku. Never.

If you ask a bunch of economists whether or not there is a recession coming they'll all have the same answer, "Get the hell off my property." The fact is that no one is really sure whether there is a recession or not. There may be signs of a recession. It may feel like the right kind of weather for a recession. But no one really knows for sure because while everybody on Wall St. talks big, very few of these guys are in it to win it.