For every McRib, there are a thousand Shamrock Shakes. Fast food companies introduce headline-grabbing food items every other day. Not all of them are winners.
A completely plain hamburger - no ketchup, mustard, onions, or top bun - topped with a clumsy pile of peanuts. Half of the peanuts were cold, half of them were boiled and still in their shells.
A tuna sub pressed into the shape of Subway Jared's face, with a tomato slice for a leering smile and jalapenos for his dead eyes. This sub proved to be unpopular because Subway is bland trash on garbage bread.
Hidden Treasure Frosty
Who doesn't love a Frosty? How about an oversized Frosty cup filled with fifteen cold hamburger buns stacked one on top of another, and a single pickle slice hidden somewhere within?
A literal jack-in-the-box box, with a little crank and everything. As diners turned the handle a rendition of Everclear's "Father of Mine" played. At the climax, the box would violently spring open and fling cartilage shrapnel coated in superheated grease in every direction.
The Blood Mac
Cow's blood in a thin transparent membrane that burst when bitten into. Also burst when not bitten into.
And sometimes it didn't burst at all, unlike all those promotional images of perfect bags of blood bursting down diners' chins and clothes. Typical!
Personal Cheese Wheel
Sometimes a personal pan pizza isn't depressing enough. With this in mind, Pizza Hut introduced an entire wheel of cheese in a box with "Party For One!" emblazoned on the top in a cool italicized font. The Personal Cheese Wheel was available in Traditional, Meat Lover's, and Lukewarm.
All the taste of Long John Silver's classic cod-like patties, with none of the cod-like and none of the patties! Enjoy this wrapper soaked in cod juice.
The Colonel's Goatee
A lightly salted tuft of white cotton candy, served on a flap of chicken skin shaped like a human chin.
It seemed like Domino's was in full-on Sorry We're So Terrible mode for about ten years or so. In the middle of their tour they released the Edible Apology, a plate of spoiled sushi that spelled out "GOD WE SUCK".
The Nut Taco
A completely plain soft taco - no meat, cheese, or veggies - topped with clumsy pile of peanuts in the loose shape of Colonel Sanders' goatee.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
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