America. Land of opportunity. Business land. The land of good people. Abe Lincoln's infamous big old melting pot. It is the land I call my home and it is the land in which we live.

But not everything is right in America. Business is too much. The government isn't helping. Big ideas are swirling around everywhere like tornadoes. Fascism, socialism, racism? Whatever those mean. How about a little something I like to call Americaism.

Hello my name is JOHN DELANEY and I am running to be the Next President of the United States. You probably haven't heard a lot about me because the elections have been rigged to keep me out of the debates and also off the news and not in any polls above 0%. It's a vast conspiracy to deny the Democratic nomination to the only person who can Beat Donald Trump.

Why else should I be the nominee? I have a lot of skills that prepare me for this job like no other.

  • Freaky shredded Cenegenics grandpa body.
  • Can lift a lot. Like 200 pounds. Maybe even more if it's just one off lift.
  • I once ate seven donuts for breakfast.
  • Very good natural night vision I have trained by doing everything in the dark at my house after sundown.
  • Business things. Money. Spreadsheets. Checks in those envelopes with the plastic panel. I know this stuff.
  • Entrepreneur. I invented a business where I make money giving money to people trying to rip off people with medical procedures.
  • I never win fights with my wife and she regularly roasts me to the point of tears.
  • I HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER read a book. Not the bible. Not the Constitution. I can read, but I don't read.
  • Unlike Amy Klobuchar I am NOT a bite risk.

I have outlasted Beto and Kamala and a bunch of these other jokers. They don't have what it takes: the ability to completely disconnect your mind and stare off into space for eight or nine hours a day. In those quiet moments when you are standing in the middle of your big house, arms at your side, thinking about nothing, well, that's when it happens.


Folks, I have looked at some internal polling that suggests that almost .001% of young Iowans support me now. This is explosive momentum. Let's use that to carry me across the finish line in the upcoming caucuses. If we show enough strength now, Deval Patrick might choose me as his running mate!

– John Delaney (@sexyfacts4u)

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