I'll Do Anything for a Fiverr

Like many people, I have squandered a good chunk of my life going to an office, sitting at a desk and staring at a dumb monitor all day. I'm sick of the grind and sick of being just another fat cog in the machine. So I quit. I'm giving all that up to focus on making an easy living using Fiverr.com.

Some of you may remember Fiverr from a recent article where Lowtax used it to secure credible endorsements for his new Cyber Gravy Boat startup. I'm sure tons of people using Fiverr are eking out a rewarding, dignified living earning lots of scratch in small, easily countable chunks. I've got tons of marketable skills, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be one of them.

My goal is to earn enough to continue living comfortably in the California Bay Area, so that means I have to do a lot of five dollar jobs. Probably all of them. That's fine, because there's way more dignity in this than owing my wellbeing to some dumb corporation.

So, world, if you have the princely sum of $5 burning a hole in your fanny pack, I'm available for work in the following business sectors:

• I will put gross things in my mouth while you and your hillbilly friends scream at me in an increasingly hostile manner.
• I will pretend to be your grandpa on the phone and tell you that I'm sitting on a large sum of money and then pretend to die of a heart attack before revealing where it is hidden.
• I will do a professional video testimonial informing your loved ones that you are dying from a snake bite.
• I will Skype with your dog for 10 minutes. Any conversations are confidential.
• I will hide in your crawlspace for several days surviving only on insects and vermin.
• I will pretend to be your mayor (with sash and everything) and let you berate me in front of your wiseass neighbor.
• I will pretend to be a reporter for Best Sheds Magazine and come hoot and holler about the quality of your shed in front of your doubting wife.
• I will come over and let your two giant sons Trevor and Bryce throw melons at my stupid head.
• I will listen intently as you tell me about your gluten allergies for an hour and probably not punch you in the face afterwards.
• I will help you order adult diapers off Amazon and also give you a stylish haircut.
• I will pretend to be a rude New Yorker and let you punch me in the face in front of your step son.
• I will feign excitement at the sight of your muscles, saying inspirational things like "boy, look at those top-notch muscles" and "I bet you can lift some serious barrels with those powder loaders."
• I will accept any and all verbal abuse you can throw at me in the span of five minutes while your wife and children plead with you to stop.
• I will let your medical students perform minor surgeries on me.
• I will climb on your shoulders and help you fight your taller enemies.
• I will get on the horn and tell you that you earned the big promotion, champ. No bones about it.
• I will teach rope tricks to your inner city classroom.
• I will play the part of the angry but honorable sheriff in your independent film about a town that finally agrees to honor the Constitution and outlaw skateboarding forever.
• I will pretend to be unconscious in your living room while you tell all your friends you knocked me out in one hit. I may actually be catching up on sleep, but that won't impact the quality of my performance.
• I will teach your grandpa how to surf the web (use the Internet).
• I will hide inside a garbage can, then pop out just in time to scare the heck out of Uncle Jerry.
• I will rake all your leaves, put them in a garbage bag, then climb inside the bag with them. What happens after that is up to you, so long as I get my $5.
• I will climb inside a barrel and let you roll me down a hill while your family throws Molotov cocktails at me.
• I will record a professional one-minute video where, in between heavy wheezing and wiping bloody spittle from my chin with a dirty sock, I endorse your product or service.
• I will come over and say reassuring things like "today is NOT the day you spontaneously die of an aneurysm" and "this is definitely not the day you get pinned behind the steering column and slowly bleed out after a horrific traffic accident."
• I will call you whatever nickname you want in public, helping jumpstart your cool new identity.
• I will fix the spelling errors in your web 2.0 business name.

This isn't as ideal as my dream of finding a large bag of money near a plane crash in the woods, but it'll hold me over until that happens. Let's do business! I'm really looking forward to finding a nice shady tree to sit under and count all my hard-earned fives.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)