Things We Found in the Woods That We Are Not Telling Mom and Dad About

A pink pentagram

The box of dirty magazines where people are no-clothes kissing

A weird old barn that had a dead animal in it

A bunch of decapitated dolls

The rubber sex thing

The hole we throw rocks into that never make a sound

Our other mom and dad that live in the cave

The really long centipede that bit Dylan

The other Dylan that walks around naked and doesn't say anything

The box of really dirty magazines where people are wearing some clothes and not other clothes and kissing on top of each other

The big dirty aquarium with the thing in it that screams if you walk up on it too fast

Human skull maybe, I'm not asking dad and you'd better not either

A treasure chest full of gold

A burned out limousine that has Russian flags on the hood

The rusted up WWII submarine and all those dead Japanese sailors

Parts of a tractor that we jump on and Ray busted his leg open

The swamp that sings

That one room that's by itself, like the whole rest of a house disappeared, and there's a pig in there and it just stares at you and blinks

The computer that's not hooked up to anything but it's always on and you can ask it questions

The other other Dylan that is older and limps and his arm is all withered and he asks us for food

All those dead little blue guys we killed with bug spray thinking they were beetles but it turns out they had like a whole civilization

A book with the weird words that make us dizzy

The super duper dirty magazines that are gross but there are also cool monster truck pictures so it's kinda worth looking at those magazines

A hotel concierge's desk with the bell on it that we're too afraid to ring

The woman that said she is god and she made us and everything else and she knows how everyone will die

Dad's high school football that we stole and accidentally threw onto the weird old barn

The huge field of marijuana plants that are like eight feet tall and slowly move around and if you stand real still they will gather around you and reach out to touch you

That dead hobo that we killed with rocks

A bunch of Halloween candy we stole from kids and stockpiled in a big bin

The thing that lives down in the burrow that we drop candy into and it sends vintage toys back to the surface

The big doe that we've seen a couple times knocking down birds nests and eating the baby birds

A huge in-ground swimming pool with a swastika painted on the bottom that usually fills up with rainwater and tadpoles

The genie that granted us all those wishes about finding better dirty magazines

That box of super good dirty magazines where everybody is a celebrity like Super Dave Osborne or Angela Merkel

The TV that we can walk into to get back to home as a shortcut, but we never actually come out of a TV, which means we just keep going deeper and deeper into TVs. Which is cool.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)