Fundamentalist Fashion Showdown!

An angry mob plays a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with an oppressive government. Silly guys, they always play as "rock!"

Although you might not be aware of it, running a website like Something Awful is difficult work. For example, I have to make sure that I wake up at some point throughout the day, in addition to deciding if I should ever bother putting on pants (survey says: NO). Additionally, I am regularly flooded with email promising such lucrative offers as making my puny phallus possibly millions of times larger than it currently is, thereby enabling it to engulf major cities and eventually forcing the National Guard to airdrop in and subdue it by firing a barrage of rocket-propelled grenades into my forehead. However, the most daunting task lies within the content matter of the daily update. It's difficult to pick a subject which will simply alienate half of this website's audience while simultaneously alienating the other half as well. I usually choose my subject matter by clicking on random news-like links in my email inbox, such as "ENABLE YOUR PUNY PHALLUS POSSIBLE MILLIONS OF TIMES LARGER THAN IT CURRENTLY IS JH37SxSQ!!!!" These links lead me to interesting, fact-filled websites which inspire me so much that I decide to shut off the computer and watch CPSAN until I pass out in an amendment-filled stupor. It is during this dreary haze of sleep in which my dreams of blood provide me with ample front page update material, such as the revolutionary "hey, make fun of stupid people" and "recycle joke number eight a few more times and hope that nobody notices." The end result is often something which involves me taking shots at various religions because, according to my narrow-minded and crazy point of view, religion tends to make people a bit narrow-minded and crazy.

I suppose it's fortunate that most religions have forcefully installed "The Hand of God v1.2" on their members' computers, a handy little program which blocks out offensive or tasteless websites run by enemies of the church (read as: "anybody not in the church"). This ensures that innocent, God-loving folk don't accidentally stumble upon websites like this while doing web searches for their favorite holy scripture, that one that taught us about how we should love our neighbor by using an analogy revolving around a bear, his prized pink hat, and some bearded guy who separated the two and ended up killing the bear because he repeatedly made inopportune sexual advances towards the bearded guy's farming tools. Web-filtering software is a godsend not only to god but also to sites like Something Awful, preventing me from being washed into Lake Washington by the ridiculous amount of furious emails sent by highly religious people who might take offense to me referring to their magnificent god as "some bearded guy." I'm not exactly sure why facial hair is a sign of being King Holy Pants and everything, but it seems like bearded guys are always at the top of the food chain when it comes to the ranks of religion. This idea really frightens me, as every time I leave my apartment to go anywhere, I have to drive by roughly 10 million bearded guys holding cardboard signs reading "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" with at least three misspelled words. Are all these men prophets? Do they know what the future holds? If I give them a bag of nickels and an ashtray full of cigarette butts, will they tell me my future? Or will they simply urinate in my hand and begin listing the names of each individual bug crawling under their epidermal layer? God only knows!

I don't know what's going on here, but I'm fairly sure it isn't anything positive.

The "Bearded Deity Phenomenon" has been blowing my previously blown mind for years now. The more fundamentalist you lean towards any religion, the bigger your beard gets. And the bigger beard you have, the more flamboyantly weird clothing you are required to start wearing. This is why many fundamentalist religions don't really catch on the with the majority of a country's citizens. Well, that and the fact that many fundamentalists feel the need to blow themselves up for any reason whatsoever. Seriously, if you invite a fundamentalist over to your house for dinner and he doesn't like the chicken, boom, you and your wife and kids will be scattered across three different area codes. Hell, I doubt you could even plan a dinner with a fundamentalist to begin with, as the ring tone from his phone is liable to remind him how his god shuns devices of communication which could potentially weaken his faith in God, thereby causing him to detonate the holy high explosives wrapped around his body like a wet blanket. These explosives, however, must be covered up with an appropriate garment of clothing which reflects the fundamentalist's love for whichever god of theirs was recently ranked #1 by J.D. Power and Associates.

A majority of entrants into the Fundamentalist Fashion Show come from three major religions: Christianity, Judaism, and Mulimisicitizism. While each of these religions has good intentions and a kind, loving god who probably has an impressive beard, the fundamentalist forces behind each are known far and wide for their utterly amazing fashion sense. Fundamentalist Fashion Competitions have been going on behind closed doors for decades now, often in the same buildings that house Masonic cults and that one group of people who put the psychic floating eyeball on top of the pyramid on all US currency. Today I will break through these decades of silence and reveal the three candidates for this year's Fundamentalist Fashion Show:

CONTESTANT #1: JEWISH FUNDAMENTALIST

Background: The first Jew in history was named Abraham, a brave and noble soul who traveled from Haran to Canaan back in 1741 BCE, fighting ruthless cavemen, dinosaurs, and the Great Depression in order to reach his destination. Abraham was forced to move to Canaan once god grew tired of tormenting Abraham with up to ten different temptations. God did everything to annoy Abraham; he promised to give him the sexiest woman in Haran (an easy temptation to pass up), swore to make him King of Haran (nobody lived in Haran except some guy who sold melons and twigs and carried a wicker basket on his head even though he never went anywhere), and even offered him 12 free months of AOL 1.0 (which was neither faster nor easier than ever back then, but it was still a fairly good deal). Abraham kept turning God down so God got really angry and said, "okay, fine, just go to Canaan because nobody here likes you anyway," and the melon guy agreed. Eventually Abraham made it to Canaan and used an engineer to capture their buildings, therefore claiming it in the name of the Lord. Some other stuff happened after that, but I really won't get into it because frankly I don't know what it is.

Description: If there's anything the good lord doesn't like, it's fancy pants, high-fallootin' rich and sassy folk. Jewish fundamentalists, also known as "Haredim" to people who bother spending time using search engines for stupid Internet articles, prefer to wear modest, plain simple clothing. This clothing looks very similar to the garments worn by both the Amish and the Trenchcoat Mafia. Black, flowing raincoats are on the summer menu, as these amazing items provide both a comfortable fit and afterlife. Matching black pants and black shoes complement the wardrobe, really giving off a strong "I'm hip; hip for GOD" statement to the world. Although the black paper hats they wear were originally manufactured in 1752, each generation has passed on their mystic derby in the hope that one day the person wearing the hat won't die. The genius behind the Jewish fundamentalist clothing line lies in its flexibility; pray from 6:30 AM until 11:30 PM, then head over to your local goth nightclub and seamlessly blend in with various Switchblade Symphony fans! Oh, and that little girl in the middle is not a Jewish fundamentalist, as you can tell by her lack of, well, everything I stated above. And she has no beard. And she has a bright red "NO" message floating above her head, as well as a red X through her chestal captivity.

OVERALL SCORE: 8 (out of 10)

CONTESTANT #2: CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST

Background: The first Christian was Christ. I think. No wait, I think some people came before Christ, although that doesn't make too much sense because how could a person be a Christian before Jesus Christ was even born? Did all the people who were unfortunately born before Jesus go to hell? Is God a Christian? If so, does that mean He worships Himself, or His son? Note that I capitalize "he" when referring to God because that's the only thing I remember from going to Rockhurst, a Jesuit High School, back in the early 90s. Hell, if any of my teachers from that school were to read this website, I'm sure they'd be so happy that they'd name a stairwell after me, ask me to come over for some kind of ceremony, and then push me down the stairs repeatedly until I became dead.

Description: Christian fundamentalists do not abide by the "single fashion" theory which researchers like Stephen Hawkings have argued about for years. In fact, many Christian fundamentalists walk by us every day and we are unaware of their mere presence! This sense of obscurity has led them to obtain great positions of power such as "Guy Who Runs the Church" and "Guy Who Stands and Hands Out Brochures at the Church" and "John Ashcroft." It's just like in the Hollywood smash-hit movie sensation "They Live," except "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is too broke to afford a pair of those cool gigantic Christian fundamentalist-detecting glasses. The real hardcore O.G. Christian fundamentalists wear all kinds of goofy stuff like the Pope (they don't wear the Pope, I mean the Pope wears goofy stuff), only without the Pope's Biggie-sized hat. The well dressed Christian fundamentalist will be seen wearing a rather intricate series of sewn doilies, flower patterns, and a bunch of stuff which looks like stained glass windows. A patterned vest is never out of the question when you're shopping for religion, so you can count on seeing many swingin' Christian wardrobes also double as those things people wear at dance clubs with no shirt underneath so they can attract skanky women and make out with them in their Honda Civic. I think that is forbidden by the Christian church though, so if you plan on being a Christian fundamentalist, get all your booty calls out of the way beforehand. You may thank me for passing my religious knowledge onto you at any time during this update.

OVERALL SCORE: 4 (out of 10)

CONTESTANT #3: ISLAMAMACISTIC FUNDAMENTALIST

Background: Islam is based around a man named "Muhammad," who eventually became Cassius Clay and beat up many people until he ultimately turned into Will Smith. Muhammad was born around 570 AD and received "visions" from God on a regular basis, much like how women repeatedly go to their doctors to test for breast cancer, only a lot more frequently. He decided to start telling people about his visions, and I guess they had nothing better to do so they wrote them all down in a big book named "The Koran," which was later released as "The Qur'an" under the pseudonym "Richard Bachman." A majority of people in the world are Muslims, a fact which surprises many Catholics who believe that a majority of the world is white. Unfortunately, Muslims have been getting a bad rap lately, what with the 9-11 Never Forget and Israel and Saddam stuff. However, not all evil people are Muslims; for example, Hans Gruber was not an Islamacisticist - he was a German - but was evil nonetheless! So next time you hear about some Muslim shooting somebody, you just think about the time Hans Gruber tried to shoot Bruce Willis shortly before that very large building exploded in slow motion from a variety of different camera angles.

Description: No matter what season of the year it is, turbans are always in fashion for men! These stylish, comfortably fitting pieces of holiness not only cover up premature baldness, but additionally protect your precious head from enemy infidel bird poop. Women are not allowed to wear turbans though, as they are required to hide under a series of rugs and attempt to move under the 200 pounds of weight above them. If the woman is a very good Islamamacist, somebody might eventually cut eyeholes in it so she can see which direction she's supposed to pray towards. The Koran forbids anybody to wear fancy jewelry or any other "status symbols" which might suggest the person wearing them is either wealthy or a big fan of status symbols. This also means that Islamic fundamentalists cannot drive SUVs, which I really fucking hope catches on with other religions damn soon. The traditional garb is a very long, very dark piece of tarp which may not attract anybody's attention under any circumstances or else you'll have your internal organs replaced with rocks and then have the rocks replaced with bullets. Whether it be at work or play, the Muslim line of clothing is simply flexible in every way; expect a series of Navy © ™ ® knockoffs to be on sale sometime soon for under the low, low price of $6.99, mainly because they'll disintegrate before you'll have a chance to pick them up.

OVERALL SCORE: 9 (out of 10)

Well that certainly was a refreshing and educational look at the various fashion trends currently sweeping the fundamentalist forces behind Judaism, Christianity, and Muslimosity. If you have any other religious questions, please feel free to open up your email client and send a message to somebody other than myself, unless of course your email also explains how I can grow a giant penis by simply taking a series of fake drugs or through hypnosis. Just remember that if you dress goofy, have a tremendous beard, and base every action of your life around avoiding an angry, vengeful god, then you too might some day find yourself in Heaven or wherever good people go when they die. Ah, who am I kidding, your beard will never be long enough. You're going to hell; just accept it.

Eat Chain!

Zack "Zacky Farms" Parsons here with a hentai review that's so fresh off the presses it's still steaming! This week I bring you a heaping helping of Chain, the game so nice they named it...named it once. It's a moody mystery about drugs, rape, and snuff porn!

Then you get to have all kinds of crazy sex, fuck schoolgirls, and watch as a woman is shot in the back of the head during sex. Honestly it's the most offensive pile of garbage burned onto a CD since some neo-Nazi history revisionist pervert compiled a CDR entitled "Fake Holocaust Documents and Pictures of Me Fucking My Mom's Dead Body While Children Watch".

Sounds like entertainment for the whole family! Point the HMS Browser towards this review, call ma and pa into the room, and set engines to flank for the open seas of Chain!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)