God's Plan

Alright, listen up, because I'm only going through this once. Vinnie, you got the van? Bruce, you got the cameras to patch into the security? Everybody should have a map of the casino.

This is going to be a cakewalk.

Here's how it's gonna go down.

It starts out with miscarriages. Thousands of them. Millions. Gross, inside-out miscarriages with crab arms and huge weird dicks on their dead bodies that the moms can never get out of their heads. So many miscarriages even I can't count them.

Then it's going to be waves of children. I could kill them off with congenital defects and pediatric cancer, but that's amateur hour. It's going to be this weird eel strain of Ebola type business I dripped all over a cave biologist to spread into the world. Really awful, gross, gut-wrenching baby deaths. Stacks and heaps of them. Oh, man, I'm glad I won't be in those hospitals.

Then, when everybody is crying, bawling their eyes out, boohoo my baby died because of baby Ebola, that's when I hit them with the tornadoes. I'm talking some F6 stuff that would take the skin off Bill Paxton in a second. Boom, floods after that. New Orleans? Manhattan? Gone. Hundred feet of water. Big tsunami earthquake tidal waves. Hundreds of thousands dead.

With all of his family members dead, Lucky Paulie will retreat to his penthouse suite at the High Roller casino and try to party his troubles away.

No, no, no! It has gotta be vast swaths of the population like that so he doesn't suspect nothing is up.

That's when you pull the van around back at the drop-off. Tommy and me will go in dressed as waiters. We'll prop the kitchen door for Bruce.

Bruce, you come in dressed as an electrician. If there's any floor security around I'm going to make an Iraq vet sprout a tumor the size of a grapefruit on his brain, climb up in a church tower and start sniping kids at the grade school where the guard's kid goes. That ought to open things up for you and Pierre to get to the electric switching box and splice into the cameras and the vault override.

When you give us the signal we'll ditch the waiter's costumes and put on the tuxes. Head for the high roller table. Vinnie, you need to keep an eye on the pit boss. Tommy will distract him by demanding credit so he can make huge bets and while he's doing that I'm going to make sure a drive-by shooting kills this kid who had everything going for him, scholarship to Harvard, he was finally going to make it out of the ghetto. Trust me. It's all part of the plan.

Pierre and Bruce should have the vault cameras patched by that time. I'm going to slip away to the vault. If the door is still locked I will do the meteor thing we talked about yesterday. Should hit somewhere near Colorado Springs, wipe out everything in about two hundred miles. That will trip the vault's earthquake alarm, opening the vault door until it is manually shut off.

I go in, grab the money, head to the penthouse elevator. Kate, you will have seduced Lucky Paulie by then and left the roof access elevator key for me behind the handrail. If you botched your end of the job I may have to improvise by turning into a radiant found of light and knowledge incinerating all sentient beings that behold me, but you remember what went down in Atlantic City so I'd rather avoid that.

Finally, I'm going to have to make a single mom lose it all. It's the only way we can get the money from the penthouse to the helipad. She'll lose her money, her parents, her kids, her friends. Destitute and without all of the things she loved, she'll throw herself off the Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas, do a header right into the chief of police's car, delaying the response just enough for the rest of you to get to the roof.

We put the money in the chopper with Dino, don our parachutes and we all base jump from the High Roller sign down to the strip in our evening wear. Any questions?

Vinnie, no, I will not have a million bats fly at you all while we're diving to the strip, skeletonizing you instantly and allowing me to take your cuts of the dough. If that were part of my plan I would have included it.

Good luck everybody. This will work great.

I know that for a fact.

Zack Parsons wrote a book. He was last seen talking about it on suvudu, the Random House website for sci-fi.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)