Magazine Fancy, The Magazine

A sexy lady is wearing a bikini. There's a car, but mostly there's a sexy lady. Inside, there's another lady in front of another car. She's also sexy, and you can see a lot of her butt. Sometimes there's a terrible car with an extravagantly terrible paint job, and somehow no lady is on the car at all. Then, on the opposite page there's an ad with a sexy lady holding a chrome rim between her breasts in the most seductive way that a person can manage to do such a thing.

There are a number of games coming out for Nintendo systems. They're all fantastic. You should probably buy them. Some people wrote letters to express how much they love Nintendo, how much they enjoyed purchasing Nintendo products in the past, and how excited they are to purchase future Nintendo products. There's a game coming out on multiple systems, but the Wii version is probably the best version because you can move your hands around.

Men are much more complicated than anyone could possibly imagine. They aren't just attracted to you because they like you and think you're pretty. There is so much more, so much to worry about. You must treat your every interaction as some sort of game, outwitting your man with all sorts of crazy shit he'll surely notice and comment, "that drives me wild!" The more barriers you place between yourself and your man, the better your relationship will be, since everything revolves around keeping him "interested". Might we suggest these sponsored products, or this book by a self-proclaimed relationship expert?

Have you heard of Derek? That mechanic? I thought so. The dude is popular. How popular? Almost as popular as Joshua. He's another mechanic. That's right, the Joshua. You can't throw a pipe wrench in a room crowded with people who know Joshua without hitting someone that knows Joshua. Actually, we should warn you that throwing a pipe wrench at people is a sure way to ruin your shot at becoming popular. Go with an impact wrench instead. With its pneumatic power, you're sure to get more results with less effort.

Is your baby racist? No.

Is global warming a hoax? No.

Is oxygen poison? No.

Is this movie theater on FIRE? FIRE! FIRE!!!! No.

Did scientists just uncover indisputable proof of intelligent life outside of Earth? No.

Thanks for playing along!

Sorry, this isn't that issue. Let's see, we've got... baseball. Guys going to baseball spring training. Good for those guys! Get off the couch and get some sun with your friends. That's always fun. Then there are all those guys playing basketball. As it turns out, they all want the championship. In an even bigger surprise, some of the teams are doing better than others. There *might* be some sort of sporting event happening outside the U.S., but we're really not sure.

Rock and politics! Hell yeah! Thirteen pages analyzing the deployment of psy-ops on U.S. Senators. Three sentences reviewing the new Radiohead album. In case you think we're mailing in the rock angle, we put Bieber on the cover. Pretty sure we had two girls from a tv show eating ice cream at some point, and one with Borat, not to mention Maroon 5.

This handgun fires these bullets. We think it's pretty great. We also like this shotgun. Hey, remember that old gun? That was a good gun. Classic gun. Good times. Here's a safety question: What sort of gun should you carry to protect yourself? Answer: Any gun. All of them. Each and every gun. The important thing is to have a gun, and to be eager to use it in every social situation that seems unpredictable.

Remember the portrayal of technology in such movies as The Net and Lawnmower Man? That's how it really works. Everything that's new is the future of humanity. Everyone behind every innovation is a rebel, part of a cabal of fascinating visionaries that flit around a fantasy world that is way more fascinating than you can possibly understand.

You're a magazine enthusiast, but find yourself lacking the time and coffee table space to accommodate every publication out there. This is the magazine that's made for you. Every month the editors of Magazine Fancy read through... oh god, I can see myself typing this. Is that my past? He sees me too, but I don't remember looking up at myself the first time I wrote this. Who am I?