Conan Barbarian movie opens up today! Have y'all heard this? How have I not heard of this until now!?

I can't believe none of my little facebook friendies poked me about this, but they went and made a new Conan Barbarian movie. I don't tell just anybody this but I am a huuuuuuuuge barbarian fan. I will see any movie or read any book (comic books too! have y'all heard of mangas??) about barbarians. It's just this fun little thing I like to do is watch barbarians.

In addition to believing in Jesus Christ I am also a devout follower of the teaching of John Norman through his science fiction barbarian philosophy Gor books. I consider the Lord my savior, of course, but John Norman is a pretty smart man who teached the bible through barbarianism books. They're just a heck of a lot of fun.

There's enough of them to keep you busy on long bus rides, let me tell you. If you want to get started I suggest Slave Girl of Gor or Fighting Slave of Gor. The baddest barbarian with just oodles of muscles always wins out and his slave girls know to submit (be respectful) or he will put big ol' red hot pokers up where the sign don't shine and the lord don't look and put them out on a wall of his mean and mossy swamp fort.

Sometimes I like to picture myself a Tarnsman, astride my fire-crested tarn with a brace of earth-born pleasure slaves and huge muscles and a nice hat with some sassy little fur fringe that goes with my loin cloth going all flippity-flap behind me. Maybe a tunic or a little vest with some polished buttons.

I can be friends with another Tarnsman named Delbone and he can be a real sly little devil and a crack shot with a bow and arrow. Maybe not quite as tall as me and a little bit younger. Blond. Kind of skinny like a little twinkie man. We'll be into all sorts of trouble. We'll get up to hanky panks, trrrrust me.

But that's aside from my point. CONAN! I thought the original movies were just two-and-a-half hoots. With the snake men and the devil orgy and the tree of woe. Red Sonya isn't quite as much fun, but I guess that's just because I can't buy a woman barbarian. They can be a fighter, a tough gal, sure, but not a barbarian. Sorry ladies, that club is boys only.

Have y'all seen the trailers for this new one though?

Oh My God, the special FX look thrilling. Devil snakes are bigger than ever and I swear they buffed up Conan Barbarian to make him look even bigger than you can believe. Michele doesn't care for special FX she says they're too much like magician tricks, which is akin to deviltry, but I take the position that if it serves God's message a CGI is O.K.

This fella they got to be the new Conan Barbarian looks really tough. Too tough for me. He looks like he could throw me around and push me down wherever he wants. Holy moly, wouldn't want to make him mad. The thought of what he might do to me is...well, I tell you what, it makes me want to throw up in my sock drawer.

And the ladies. Wow! Don't tell my wife I said this, but that Rose McGowan is a real sturdy looker. Like a sexy Frankenstein. I wish I was a Cimmerian. I'd sure show her a thing or two about how barbarians do business.

Marcus Barbarians.

I like the sound of that, don't you? I'd have a big ol' sword that takes two hands to swing around and I can show off my sweaty muscles and wear a big furry bear cloak. Some mean Japanese man or a little snappy tooth goblin could throw some ninja stars at me and I'd duck them. Slow motion duck them and then chop his head off with my sword. I'd be fierce.

Being a barbarian sounds like a heap of hoots if you ask me!

I don't know about y'all, but I know where I'm gonna be tonight: front row center with a big ol' buttery barrel of popped corn in my lap and maybe a box of Snow Caps if I get on the treadmill this afternoon. I love my nonpareils but I gotta sweat if I want them. Trying to lose twenty before the little woman becomes president.

Not gonna get thinking about the campaign or where to park the bus or how hard to protect my wife from little talky turkeys like Don Lemon. Not gonna get twisted up about any of that business. Tonight, I just gotta get my barbarian on.

– Marcus Bachmann

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful