Dear Mr. Mayor: The Hairy Little Men Problem

This article is part of the Dear Mr. Mayor series.

Mr. Mayor,

What the hell is going here? While getting my mail, a bunch of hairy little men jumped out of nowhere and started spitting on me. I had to protect my eyes with the coupon flyers and other junk mail. Now that I am safely inside, those hairy little men are jumping on my roof and barking like dogs and hissing.

The police said it wasn't there problem, so you better do something. ARREST THESE WEIRDOES!

Jeffrey Bird

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Mr. Mayor,

If you're not going to have the thousands of little hairy men plaguing our streets arrested, could you at least have them provided with diapers or underwear. I'm tired of seeing their disproportionately large genitalia flailing around while they spit and jump up and down.

The last thing we need is for kids to see this sort of thing and start asking questions.

Dolores Krokk

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Mayor,

The sudden influx of little hairy men is causing a lot of trouble for local businesses, which have only begun to recover from the recent Clawman invasion.

I urge you to take immediate action and do something about the little hairy men before they hinder ongoing civic projects. The little hairy men have been invading construction sites and stealing tools, in addition to laying their tiny eggs which hatch even smaller little hairy men.

A town hall meeting or statement to the press announcing swift action would go a long way toward easing fears.

Plugging up the tunnel to the underground world would also be a good idea, since most of the older little hairy men emerged from it, and many more still trickle out each day.

Thank you,

Angela Chambers,
a concerned citizen

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Dear Mr. Mayor

Got a problem with a bunch of little hairy men? Let me at 'em. I worked as a barber for fifteen years so I know a thing or two about cutting hair. Also where are the little hairy women? If I'm gonna be forced to stare at these weird little devils, can't some of them at least be women? Thank you for your time,

Gus Brat

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Mr. Mayor,

I love them! These Hairy Little Men are the life of the neighborhood. They seem to revel in everything, and it's positively infectious. Always jumping and barking and hissing and spitting. So primal!

Just letting you know I appreciate the progressive attitude toward the little hairy men. I plan to start shaving less and going natural in an effort to blend in with our newest citizens.

Larry Dugan

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ATTN: Mayor,

I am a proud one-armed American dedicated to this country and the great things it stands for. One thing I know America doesn't stand for is abiding little hairy men who steal our things and spit on us. Most of them are savages and the fact they all came out of a dark hole in the ground proves this.

I may not be able to fire a gun anymore with just my one arm and one hand, but there's an important act I can still do perfectly well: wave the American flag. What flag are you waving, Mr. Mayor? Last I checked the little hairy men didn't have a flag, because they lack the god-given patriotism to make one.

Rick Loyal

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Hey!

Hey there, buddy. PLUG THE DAMN HOLE. Need something big enough to cover it? How about we shoot every damn little hairy man, bundle them up into a ball, and stuff 'em in the hole so none of the other ones still hanging out underground can come up.

James Wedgehound

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Hey Mr. Mayor,

Are you stupid or something? The Little Hairy Men have put our town on the map and they show more passion than anyone else in the stands. The fact you haven't made them the official mascot for the Fightin' Cougs is a travesty. They show 10 times the enthusiasm as the cheerleaders, even if they do sometimes steal the football and bite and hiss and spit on people.

Greg Pollock