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Misc. Free Goodies

Mr. Underbody gets really wistful and nostalgic if you talk about old-timey stuff like radios and grandfather clocks, and if you accuse anything in his house of being "newfangled" he'll get really disgusted with it and tell you to take it out of his sight. I got a TV, a broom and a bunch of carpet samples this way.

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Easy copper, easy money

Mr. Eagleton has this huge band organ that he spent 40 years building, it takes up an entire room of his trailer and plays his original compositions when he feeds it these special piano rolls. You can usually snap off a few copper pipes to sell for scrap if you walk in while he's asleep, which is most of the time. He lives in the blue and white trailer in Windy Pines Trailer Park and if you hear noise coming from it, he's awake.

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FREE Spinal Fluid

I've been visiting Mr. Dupree on Lemon Lane for the past few years and siphoning off spinal fluid. I don't take a lot, just what I need to supplement my supply. He's an extremely willing donor and all you need to do is tell him you're with the hospital. Try not to take too much at once.
There's also usually some free leftovers in the fridge, if you don't mind the bite marks.

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Ms. Eustice is certifiably crazy when it comes to values and compulsively clips every coupon she sees. She's all handicapped and can't leave the house, so the coupons would go to waste. Just go there and pretend to be her fat son Brian and for the love of god don't agree to take her out to lunch, because she will eat like a horse and you'll be stuck with the bill and have to listen to her vent about why you never come to visit. Trust me, just ask for the coupons and go.

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Free Pasta Trick

Alice Walker passed away four years ago, but if you show up at her house on 10th street around 6:30pm with your best old lady voice and yell "thank you" to the Meals on Wheels delivery man when he knocks, they'll probably continue to deliver the best pasta you can get in Shaggy Butte.

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The Easiest Hit Ever

Show up at Old Mclintock's on Dannon Street once a week and ask which person from his past he wants eliminated. Just take his money, because he's too senile and bedridden and evil to know any better, and it cheers him up big time to hear about his foes being assassinated.

You don't actually kill any of them, which is good because most of 'em tend to be fictional villains from old 1970s cop movies.

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Drug Tests? Cheat the System with Urine

Mrs. Crossley isn't a big flusher so if you have to pass a urine screening at work you can usually head in there with a jug and collect a clean specimen, as long as you don't mind testing positive for that medicine old people take to prevent their labia from distending. She lives in the old green house on Button Hill and never locks her door. If she catches you, just say you're a plumber. Works every time.

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Special thanks goes to the erotic law firm of David Thorpe & Caylen Burroughs for helping craft this update.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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