Bill O'Reilly's Plan to Defeat ISIS

(Original image: CBS, Source: Felix Gilman, Via: Twitter, On: Internet)

Have the elite anti-terror mercenary army work out a whole bunch so they have big ol' muscles

Only recruit good guys who will do good things with the cool violence gifts we give to them. Make sure they aren't bad guys who might use our weapons and training for bad things later. Perhaps we can draw their blood and test it against some bad guy blood to be sure?

Use some sort of invisible jet as a mobile base to reach targets quickly and offload the elite super soldiers without being seen

Get a really good radar that can scan the whole planet to find the bad guys - not just some of them, all of them

The unit should have a mix of specialists to cover every important field of expertise: knife throwing, chess, demolitions, karate, computer hacking, movie quote trivia

Do we have spread guns? You know, the guns that shoot in three directions at once so you can hit guys directly in front of you, as well as the guys at 45 degree angles above and below you. In my experience playing Contra they're pretty effective as long as you make smart use of jumping.

Find all liberal Marxist commies who secretly support ISIS and torture them until they give up the location of the secret volcanic palace

Give members of the elite kill squad codenames like Steelhawk, Deathbringer, Chisel, Ding Chavez, Snake Eyes

A serum (radioactive? magical?) that makes the elite super soldiers taller and invulnerable for a few minutes

Loyal O'Reilly Factor viewers know that Affirmative Action is a politically correct ploy to cram feminism and racial tensions down everyone's throats, and that it is in fact an inherently sexist act designed to keep minorities out of the intellectualistas' ivory tower. That said, maybe there could be a woman on this elite fighting force. She could saunter past ISIS bad guys all sexy-like to distract them, then the men could come up from behind and slit the distracted bad guys' throats or throw knives into the backs of their heads.

When they aren't on a mission, have the elite super fighting force go around providing every non-ISIS person on Earth a video camera and beheading knife, as this is the most logical way to stop the bad guys who are armed with video cameras and beheading knives

Make sure the U.S. Special Forces trains this elite action anti-terror squad in the most advanced combat techniques. For example, when an elite super soldier is mortally wounded but still alive, he should urge his bros to carry on, then lure the bad guys close. When they cluster around him menacingly, he should say something like "Surprise, you sons of bitches!" and reveal the grenade he has just removed the pin from. Then the bad guys can scream like cowards and try to run, but they all die in the blast.

Needs a bitchin' logo, perhaps a rolled-up constitution whapping a skull so hard that it's exploding

Have our intelligence agencies cooperate to provide the elite supersoldiers with detailed information before they take on high value targets. This way they'll know: Don't waste your ammo, hold off until his weak spot glows then concentrate fire on that spot. Wait for his animation loop, then do it two more times, being careful to avoid any area of effect attacks that he launches.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)