Folks, This Is Your Pilot Speaking

Folks, this is your pilot speaking. Does anyone back there have an aspirin?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot again. Does anyone back there have a band-aid?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a classic headwrap bandage and one of those thermometers with the bulbous end that pops when the temperature reaches the top?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a wheelchair?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have medical training as a girl or boy scout?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a lenghty book titled How To Lie To A Lot Of People To Keep Them From Freaking Out?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a much shorter book titled How To Lie To A Lot Of People To Keep Them From Freaking Out? With the important parts highlighted?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have informal medical training, like an avid player of the board game Operation?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Is anyone back there a combat spinal surgeon who has seen some shit?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a wooden plug and a bucket that's real good for bailing water?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have an industrial windshield wiper? Something that can keep the inside of a windshield somewhat clean in a cascading waterfall of blood?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there know how to break a curse brought about by the greed of your copilot, who is now a skeleton in a uniform looking from side to side and chattering his teeth, the golden egg still clutched to his ribcage in his bony hands?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a replacement windshield?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have a bear horn? Or bear spray? Whatever the thing is that startles bears when they get too close.

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. Does anyone back there have the number of a good ursine lawyer?

(A few moments pass)

Folks, this is your pilot. We'll be taking off in approximately ten minutes. Enjoy the flight!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)