The Worst Things Your Flight's Pilot Could Possibly Say

"I am wrapping my hands around your throat. I am murdering you."

"Oh, look, it's me from the future! And there's another me, made of anti-matter! All three of us are reaching out towards the exact same point in space, our fingertips on a collision course."

"I have poisoned your coffee. There is no antidote. You have moments to live."

"There's no easy way to say this. I'm sleeping with another passenger. They make me happier than I've felt in years."

"I am dropping a bowling ball on your toe."

"Welcome to my chamber of necrotic darkness, adventurers. That curious sound is a magical seal cutting off your every avenue of escape. Even if you overcome my devious traps, you will run out of air within mere hours. Foolish heroes! Ha ha ha!"

"I've been reading your mail. Watching you from afar. I am ready to become you."

"I'm tired of people attacking Trump. These animals have no morals. They disrespect the Flag, our Troops, our Police, our America First Strong Responders, our CEO Overlords, our Free Market Solving Everything, the Brave Nazis, and the Personal Responsibility Freedom Right To No Health Care. These mindless leeches are out of control. No morals. And let me tell you about the media, who should be killed by the way..."

"The tests confirm my suspicions. It's an incredibly rare disease. You have three months to live at most."

"I'm holding the person you care about most as a hostage."

"(An impossible-to-transcribe chant which summons one of the six prime horror-colossi)"

"Now I'm not racist, but..."

"No one's looking, so I'm going to set this Renaissance-era painting on fire."

"I am currently stabbing you in the thigh with a pitchfork."

"Seth MacFarlane has a new show!"

"I am positioning your head in the jaws of a vice. Now I am turning the handle very slowly."

"You say that's the biggest burrito you've ever eaten? Lovely. I see it caused you to perspire. Turn around, if you will. Here are the twenty people you respect most in life. Please recite and explain the origin of every email address and screen name you have ever used."

All of the above, in that order, without pausing.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)