Total daymare last afternoon. I waked I saw all the monsters from my nightmares, but in human form, as coworkers, family members, and random people on the street. I wanted to run away but couldn't, due to a combination of social mores and anxiety. For hours the monsters tortured me in the subtle methods of the waking world - e.g. talking about sports, telling me about their weekends or comparing me unfavorably to siblings. Finally, I remembered there was a potion that would make them go away, located in the vodka aisle of a liquor store. I drank it and sure enough all the monsters started avoiding me, but so did everyone else, including the handful of people I actually wanted to talk to. Somehow I got the idea that I could reverse this by drinking more of the potion. I don't think it worked, although I'm not positive, since the rest of the nondream is mostly a blur.


Weird nondream last day. I was at the gym and saw that cute blonde I sometimes hook up with before she turns into a pile of mannequin parts. But I walked by her, she didn't talk to me. Granted, she usually doesn't before we have sex, but this time it seemed like it was because we didn't know each other, not because she was a hazy apparition whose mouth sometimes drips off her face. I also got the impression that if I talked to her this muscular guy on the leg press would rip me in half. Strangely, none of this seemed surprising to me at the time.


Yesterday I waked I was fighting monsters, exploring castles, and saving princesses - all the things I normally do in dreams - except I was doing these things on a screen, in an empty room with holes in the walls. It seemed like I was on both sides of the screen, having the adventure and watching myself - a sort of nondream-within-a-nondream if you will. The me inside the screen was handsome and muscular with spiky hair and a giant sword. The me outside the screen was ugly and ectomorphic with thinning hair and a bag of Doritos.

Ostensibly the handsome me was trying to save a kingdom from an evil old wizard. But it felt like his real purpose was to distract the nonhandsome me from his memories, surroundings and unhandsomeness. Both of these tasks involved clocks, one inside the screen that wasn't supposed to run out and one outside the screen that was, over and over again, until I resembled the old wizard. Needless to say, I was really glad when I finally fell asleep. I'm never fighting monsters or saving princesses again if this is the kind of stuff it makes me wake about.


Bizarre lucid waking experience. I was sitting in a room and my body felt fluid and weightless and everything looked blurry and distorted like it does in dreams. Unfortunately the sensation faded after a few minutes. It seems I'd produced it by inhaling something called "Glass-O." Spent the next few hours vomiting.

– Dream Self (@notoriousamoeba)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful