Hansel and Gretel were the children of a poor wood-cutter and his pretty wife. When Hansel and Gretel's mother died he married an even sexier wife who was very mean to them. One day, the children went deep into the forest against their father's wishes and discovered a cottage made of gingerbread, chocolates, cakes and candies.
An evil witch was using the house to lure them in so she could fatten them up and eat them. She captured them briefly, but they were very quick and clever and managed to throw her into the oven and baked her alive! As she screamed they felt a great victory had been won.
"This is something I could get used to," said Hansel and he lit a cigar from the burning witch.
They purchased some folding swords, collapsible rotary anti-witch shotguns, exploding boomerangs, razor-sharp steel wires, automatic crossbows, blade launchers, and everything else they could find left over from Van Helsing. Rather than returning home to the house they shared with their father, who had been killed by their witch stepmother, they decided to hunt witches.
At first it was difficult, because they were only children, but in a rapid series of Ewok-style attacks they honed their skills even as they developed more and more powerful anti-witch weaponry to fire directly at you in 3D. Soon they were professional witch hunters with good trigger discipline and lots of attitude.
The legend of their talents spread throughout the land and witches became afraid and children were free to roam the woods. Children were safe to eat candy they found in the forest and climb down every dark gulley and wriggle through the most perilous crevasse. Their bed times were extended past midnight, candy was enjoyed for every meal and every boy and girl could follow any stranger anywhere.
Then children began to disappear in a small village and Hansel and Gretel, who were by then famous and very sexy, were hired to deal with the witches and bring back the children. Using their tracking skills they followed the witches to a gingerbread castle and crept up to the candy window. Inside the most evil of all witches was explaining that the children were going to be used to create a super witch, one that could eat all the world's children at once, and in two moons it would be ready.
Hansel and Gretel knew they could not assault the witch's lair directly, so they began to formulate a plan for a commando style raid. While they were planning a sexy village woman distracted Hansel. Seeking to prove herself, Gretel followed a witch into a house and was taken by a group of powerful witches. She was wearing a corset.
Meanwhile, the sexy woman with Hansel was a witch and she attacked him in her underwear! He wasted her using a special move! Hansel realized he had been tricked and had to rescue Gretel. Meanwhile, Gretel was told the secret plan to use her blood to start the giant witch in just one moon. The head witch was extra sexy and exhibited some lesbian tendencies in a creepy fashion.
Hansel was so mad that he came up with a plan to use dynamite on the witches. This allowed him to blow many witches to bloody chunks. In a very long battle he exhausted all his weapons and combat moves and kicked a witch's head off with a blade in his boot!
He had almost defeated every witch in the gingerbread castle, but the head witch started laughing. Some of Hansel's blood from the fighting had landed on the giant witch. She woke up and roared! Hansel tried to fight her but he was too tired. The giant witch swallowed him whole!
Gretel was very upset. She escaped and started fighting the giant witch too. She was doing pretty good but then there was a move the giant witch did and she knew she was going to lose!
Suddenly the giant witch exploded and her guts flew everywhere! Hansel jumped out! He had used the dynamite to explode the giant witch from the inside. He and his sister both picked up guns and blasted the head witch back to hell!
They both lit cigars and looked at all the carnage.
"I could get used to this," said Gretel in a callback to the beginning. The dead head witch moved like she was still alive and they blasted her dead body to pieces!
All the kids were safe throughout the world.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.