Red Dead Redemption 2 PC Troubleshooting

Can't get Red Dead Redemption 2 to work on your computer? Congratulations, you are in the majority. Welcome aboard! If you wish to abandon the club and actually play the game, try the following steps in order until something works.

Downgrade your motherboard's BIOS to an earlier version.

Update your motherboard's BIOS to a version from the future.

Remove your motherboard.

Uninstall your antivirus software. Disable Windows Defender. Install Bonzai Buddy.

Put your motherboard back in, but blow in all the slots real hard.

Replace Red Dead Redemption 2's executable with GTA V.exe. Replace that with Solitaire. Now replace all sound files with canyon.mid. ALL sound files. On your entire computer.

Replace all sound files with canyon.mid on every computer within three miles of your computer.

Downgrade your motherboard's BIOS from the version from the future to the current version, which you started with.

Set number of active cores to 8.7. If you have an 8 core processor, round down to 4.14 (exactly half of 8 and two times the 7). If you have fewer than 8 cores, set the active number of cores to 1 and increase the amount of electricity going into your computer by 8.7.

Remove your motherboard from your computer again. Now plug it back in, but leave the BIOS unplugged.

You see that incredibly useful Rockstar Games Launcher? Give it Administrator privileges. Now strip yourself of all Administrator privileges. It's in God's hands now.

Blow on the BIOS real hard and try to turn it on again.

Did the game start but it stutters every few seconds? Try training yourself to blink on a cycle that perfectly matches the stutters. Problem solved!

Did the game start but it's upside down? Try turning your entire computer (but not your monitor) upside down.

Did the game start but it's making a plaintive moaning sound and begging you to blow its BIOS? Try blowing on the BIOS.

Did the game start but it crashes constantly? Try getting a new hobby you dipshit nerd.

Did the game start but the performance is unbearably slow even on excellent hardware with modest settings? Try getting a second motherboard with larger slots than the first motherboard. More slot surface = more blow good results.

Did the game start but there are cowboys and horses everywhere? Uninstall your computer's internet browsers, text editors, and file explorers.

Did the game start but it just runs weird and taxes your system in ways that don't make any sense whatsoever as if it's a shockingly bad port? Try downloading like five third-party tools from sketchy forums and run all of them while holding a revolver with one bullet in the chamber up to your head and pulling the trigger.

Did the game start but after fifty hours you found a lonely yeti up in yonder mountains and he's begging you to blow his BIOS? Try blowing to the beat of canyon.mid

– Dennis Farrell (@DennisFarrell)