We ran across some terrible roms that we couldn't wait to show you. Not only that, but you need to be aware of them, for the sake of many things that we are not even at liberty to say, They are unbearable even to the children of the 80's who loved "Goonies II" and who wasted literally months of their lives trying to get past that goddamned stupid mermaid (I'll get that bitch if it's the last thing I do).

Assholes Responsible For This Mess: Rare LTD. & LJN LTD.
Download Here (96k)
Description: Based off the hit movie "Reservoir Dogs," Beetlejuice takes the gamer on a whirlwind tour of a world full of wonder and intrigue, assuming "wonder and intrigue" means "giant tan spiders and disco lights of death." I'm not sure what the point of this game is, as it doesn't bother explaining where you are, why you're there, and what you're supposed to do. Judging by the shitty game controls and lack of coherency, the purpose of the game is for you to die. Repeatedly. Over and over. Again and again.

Throughout your journey across wherever the fuck you are, you will encounter horribly scary enemies like bugs, a blue triangle, an object which I think was either a bird or a baseball, and many bottomless pits that kill you even before you have a chance to accidentally fall into them. The entire game seems to consist of platform jumping, leaping from clouds to floating tables to cauldron things which defy gravity and all laws of decency. Beetlejuice's intimidating offensive attack consists of him stomping his foot down like very angry homosexual hairdresser. Naturally, this attack does absolutely nothing and isn't even powerful enough to make a sound of any kind come from the game, and its sole purpose is to think, "boy, this stomping thing sure is about nine bazillion times cooler than the nonstop jumping puzzles in the game!" Speaking of which, they aren't even puzzles; they're just jumping with a complete lack of control. You can pick up exciting powerups such as a flower that grows and shrinks for no reason, but they won't help you against such deadly enemies as the flashing neon light and the circle which makes a triangle appear. If I was Michael Keaton, I'd force the executives at Rare LTD. to say my name three times so I could suddenly appear and stab them to death with an icepick.

Name: "Friday the 13th"
Leave a Nasty Present of Meat With: LJN
Download Here (41k)
Description: Based on those crazy movies with the guy in the hockey mask that kills people in space, this game basically consists of you playing one or all of five children and running about a lake with cabins and a woods surrounding it in a futile attempt to save children trapped in the cabins before Jason can kill them. Usually you are not very successful and are able to see the numbers of children being slaughtered at any given time by keeping your eye on a handy counter on top of the screen. You run all over the place and there doesn't seem to be much of a point other than to kill the weirdo zombie jerks that keep forming out of the ground wherever you go. You throw something at them that sort of looks like a baseball but it might also be a ball of wadded-up paper.

At some points in the game a Jason-like figure appears and either kills you or humps your leg for awhile before running back to wherever it is that he came from. He has a lovely ensemble of blue mask and a purple jogging suit combined with the added effect of random pieces of his hair sticking out from his head- Truly menacing! Apparently there is a scene later in the game in which you are forced to fight a giant Medusa head but there is no way in hell that I am playing this dumb game long enough to get to that part. In any case, the stupid kids run around and the killing continues. The point of this game is very confusing because when you see children you are supposed to take them with you but they don't even want to go, so they sit there like dumb rocks waiting for their more-than-timely demise. The enemies are also rather dull. They use the same stupid zombie things to kill you in the forest, on the paths by the cabins, and in the water. Hooray for variety and quality, well-thought-out video games of yore. But the good news is that they are still making the movies!

Name: "Shufflepuck"
Jerks Who Made This Monstrosity: Broderbund Software
Download Here (62k)
Description: This game actually has some sort of backstory, as retarded as it is. You're a futuristic intergalactic (something) salesman and your (something) breaks down in your spaceship, causing you to crash land in (somewhere) and wait for (somebody) to do (something) to your (something). In the meantime, you stumble into what's called "The Shufflepuck Cafe," despite the fact that the screenshot clearly indicates the joint is named the "Shitfuck Cafe." The Shitfuck Cafe is named "The Shufflepuck Cafe" because the patrons play a very high tech, out-of-this-world game called "Shufflepuck," which is exactly like Pong only it's... well, no, actually it's just exactly like Pong. Different opponents in the bar have different playing styles which range from "horribly incompetent" to "there's absolutely no way you will ever ever ever win in a million years."

Lexon, who I believe is supposed to either be an alien bartender or a drunk alien pimp, likes to play aggressively and bounce the Shufflepuck off the Shuttlewalls so there's no way in hell you can move your slow-ass paddle to deflect them. Skip, a reject from "Revenge of the Nerds 19: The Nerds Get Scurvy" has a paddle which is approximately nine miles long, yet is unable to ever deflect a shot back to you. Then there's The Crazy Jap Psycho (I don't remember his name) who's paddle is minuscule but is able to make the Shufflepuck accelerate to speeds of over 900 miles an hour. See, that's called "game balance" folks! The only people who really understand this concept are the people at Broderbund Software, which I believe stopped making games in 1982. At least I hope they did.

Name: "Dogtown"
Smack Their Bitch Up: Pony, Inc
Download Here (24k)
Description: You are a cat wearing an apron. There can be no dispute about this. It is your goal and absolute duty as an apron-wearing cat to run around like a dumb shit in this crazy town where the characters and cars are approximately the same size as the buildings and wait until something like a car or a giant dog takes out away from your miserable existence and into the land of apron-wearing dead cats. There are a lot of manholes about and you can either jump over them or open them, causing either your freaky cat-self to fall in or cause the large, feral dogs that randomly chase you through the streets to fall in.

I would like to know what terrors lurk in the deeps beneath fabled Dogtown, but I would also like to know who the creator of "Dogtown" is so that I can fine a sewer large enough and deep enough for him to be dropped into. Man, if I were that cat I would move because why would you want to live in a town full of manholes, dogsm and cars? Silly apron-wearing cat. Perhaps she will bake me some breads.

Play these games. Play them for a long time. Then write a 90-page dissertation on the collapse of modern civilization.

– Integral

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