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Sham On!

This is not a screencap of Skeletor from the He-Man movie, it is actually Michael Jackson.The "King of Pop" has been making the rounds in the headlines with a recent court appearance. I'm not one to linger on every phrase uttered by celebrities, but something about Michael Jackson is fascinating to me, much in the same way a plane full of orphans crashing into a truck hauling kittens to be delivered to homes is fascinating. He truly is monstrous and the latest pictures from this court appearance show a Michael Jackson whose face is about as appealing to look at as those photographs of eye diseases they always have up at the Optometrist. His eyes are nearly as big as the tea-saucers seen in anime and hentai games, his skin is as white as rice, and most disturbingly the man's nose has apparently somehow inverted so that cartilage is protruding from the tip. I've seen people with pound-a-day cocaine habits with better noses than he has, and the coke habits are probably cheaper than how much Jackson has paid to get his face to where it is today.

This stunning example of freak show grotesquery that Michael Jackson has transformed himself into is not purely visual in nature. From his haunting effeminate whisper to his obsession with animals and children, Jackson seems to cultivate a complete image of barely suppressed dementia.

Being the deep and insightful doctorologist of the human psyche that I am, I went on a voyage across the seas of data to figure out why Jackson is who he is. My primary question that I was seeking to answer was "what made him this way?" and during my searches I found five different events that might be, individually or when combined, the cause for his current insanity. I admit that some of my sources may be a little offbeat, but I assure you their information is every bit as valid as if it were coming from the Encyclopedia Britannica. I warn you, this ride is a little bumpier than the kind you might find on a show like "Behind the Music".

1971: The Jackson FourBefore he was a video game, Michael Jackson was actually an African American!In the early seventies The Jackson Five were on top of the charts with hit songs fueled by young Michael Jackson like "Got to Be There" and "Hernia Love". Jackson found himself on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine before he had even entered his teenage years, but all was not well for this burgeoning pop idol. While female fans threw themselves at his older brothers Michael was left to observe their often depraved nights of drinking, drugs, and sex. This sexual tension reached a boiling point in June of 1971 when brothers Tito and Jermaine forced Michael to watch them have intercourse with a female fan. Tito then is reported to have put Michael in an arm-lock and coerced him into urinating on the face of the fan in the bathtub. This underage incident was purportedly caught on 8mm film and distributed at Jackson family gatherings, soiling Michael's name with the family. Tito Jackson's habit of screening the movie before each concert, and even going so far on occasion as to play sound clips of it during the pre-show warm up over the auditorium sound systems, did much to deepen this rift between Michael and the others.

1979: A Tragic Death

Soon after the incident with Tito and Jermaine, Michael began to explore his solo career. In 1979 he released "Off The Wall" and met with incredible success. In November the single for "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" was certified as gold, but not all was rosy in Jacksonville. In the small town of Willow Creek, Pennsylvania, a teenage boy was found dead. In his room was a note stating that "Jackson has ordered me not to stop until I get enough" along with over six hundred packages of Hostess Fruit Pies. The boy had apparently gorged himself while listening to the single of "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" until he actually choked to death on food piling up and out of his esophagus.

Michael took the news hard and he withdrew from his friends and what few family members he was not already estranged from. Those close to him said that he spent his nights writing long and painfully introspective songs about Hostess Fruit Pies. At the time these manuscripts were guarded secrets, even throughout the Hostess/Jackson trial of 1980 in which the boy's mother named Hostess and Jackson as defendants in a 9 million dollar lawsuit. The case was dismissed and recently the songs written about the incident were leaked to the press. I have reproduced an excerpt from "Rhapsody in Red", a song never recorded and never before seen UNTIL NOW!

I can hear it in the carpet, in the bureau baby!
I can see it in the air plane, in the youth hostel baby!
There's a fruit pie!
There's a fruit pie!
Stalkin', baby!

Don't put it in your mouth, or your heart beat!
Don't shove it in your face hole, or your bureau baby!
You're makin' me, you're takin' me, fruit pie quakin' me
Ohhhh no no no no!
There's a fruit pie!
There's a fruit pie!
Stalkin', baby!

According to some sources even after the case had ended Michael still felt a measure of responsibility for the boy's death and continued to write songs such as "Rhapsody in Red" for many months. Somewhere in a bank vault are over a thousand songs written about the incident, waiting to be released after Michael Jackson dies.

1983: Thrillin' Up the Wrong Tree

Controversy was thick on the set of "Thriller".The eighties brought even greater success, but even more trauma for Michael Jackson. With the release of the album "Bad" Jackson became a certified super star, and with his trademark many-pocketed jacket he won over male and female fans alike. But the pockets of that jacket contained many embarrassing secrets for Jackson, not the least of which was a bizarre incident that took place on the set of his video for "Thriller".

Jackson had blossomed to a handsome young man by 1983 and many women adored him and wanted to be with him. Unlike his brothers, however, Jackson was never known to take advantage of the opportunities offered him. That is, until, late one evening at the studio where "Thriller" was being filmed. He had stayed after hours talking with a female prop assistant by the name of Mia who had invited him to return with her to the prop room. According to her report published in the Enquirer, and somewhat corroborated by blurry and poorly lit security camera footage, Jackson became fascinated by a prosthetic head with remote controlled facial movement. Jackson propositioned Mia, asking her to manipulate the controls for the prosthetic face while he masturbated onto it.

Mia complied but Jackson's over-enthusiastic self pleasuring brought his delicate parts too near to the prosthetic. His left testicle was subsequently torn out by the jaw motions of the face and Jackson was reduced to a bloody quivering wreck. He was treated by a private doctor and Mia was paid for her silence, but the story still broke and goes a long way to explaining Jackson's later bizarre sex life.

1994: Love at Last?

Michael Jackson briefly impersonated a lesbian.For unknown reasons that may or may not involve either heavy drug abuse or a pact with Satan, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley (daughter of Elvis Presley) married in 1994. Their awkward and showy relationship was a cover for rumors that Jackson had molested young boys. In fact his molestations continued with the assistance of Lisa Marie, who hid many dark secrets herself. Lisa Marie was actually born Jason Martin Presley but underwent a surgery in Sweden in the early eighties to reverse her sex. Jackson found this intriguing and they often participated, along with several wealthy Saudi sheiks, in ritualistic sex involving both animals and children. When Jackson was busted in 1995 for operating a white slavery ring the show was over. Presley divorced him amidst a storm of controversy that involved a piratical ship captain named "Wendigo" and the unidentified remains of two juveniles found sunken into a moat surrounding Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

Jackson's money and fame allowed him to remain a free man, but he continued to spiral down into a pit of bizarre sex, even more controversy, and unimpressive record sales. When he gave birth to a son with the help of his live-in nurse things seemed to be on the verge of stabilizing for Jackson, but more controversy was soon to follow.

1997: Ninja Vanish

Jackson seen at the airport after returning from the Shaolin Wooden Monkey clan temple.Jackson's new child and a secretive relationship with his nurse saw a changed Michael. He had taken to wearing quasi-militaristic garb and a ninja-like face mask that concealed his nose and mouth. His album sales were in the gutter and despite heavy-rotation on radio and MTV Jackson just couldn't seem to recover his strength. Then, one after another, three terrible stories broke that threatened to ruin the last remnants of Jackson's career. First it was revealed that Jackson's militaristic garb and ninja mask were more than simply costumes; they were the uniform of his formative Shaolin Glove of Legion. This paramilitary organization headed by fallen Shaolin monks was said to be the only group possessing the deadly Lion's Fist technique. Considered by many to be a weapon of mass destruction, a single blow of the Lion's Fist technique was more powerful than three atomic bombs and a laser.

The second story broke soon after. Michael, while visiting a temple of the rival Shaolin Wooden Monkey clan, was reported to have shot three acolytes there with poison darts before escaping behind a veil of smoke bombs with the scrolls containing their secret Wind Warrior technique. No martial-artist had ever mastered both the Lion's Fist and the Wind Warrior techniques at the same time, and now Jackson risked unsettling the balance between the Wooden Monkey clan and the Glove of Legion. A ninja with that much power could theoretically rule the entire world.

The third, and potentially most damage story, came to light in early 1998, when it was revealed by Jackson's nurse that she had not given birth to his son. She told a tearful story of how Michael Jackson used her blood and his own to clone a fetus that was inserted into his lower abdomen. The infant gestated for six months before being removed into an incubator. It was at this time that Jackson disappeared entirely from the public eye, not to be seen again until his trial in 2002.

I have always been a big fan of Michael Jackson. Back when "Bad" came out I even owned one of those red jackets with all of the pockets. Hey, look, I was like seven, what do you want from me?

As I grew older and very slightly more mature, Jackson seemed to regress into some sort of bizarre and inhuman state until he was literally not credible as a person. Everything about him seemed to be either artificial or so completely removed from normal humanity that it might as well be. My research goes a long way in explaining what happened to Jackson while I was playing Nintendo, then Genesis, then Super Nintendo, and finally Play Station. I just wish I had known at the time so maybe I could have sat him down with a copy of Battle Arena Toshinden and made him less scary.

Rejoice! The Og Has Returned!

Thanks to a new set of Barbie Walkie Talkies, Something Awful's contact with sinister mega-corporation State Og was recently re-established, and we couldn't be more pleased. Well, we could be more pleased, but if we said that then thier blood-sucking lawyers would be all over us. I'm not kidding, State Og's lawyers are literally vampires.

We've embarked on an exciting new venture, a series of public service announcements called "Burt's Safety Plans". Unfortunately, Abe Vigoda declined our offer to take part in Burt's Safety Plans, so we went with the next best thing: Burt Reynolds. He'll be stopping in every once in a while to offer friendly advice to make everyone's lives safer. Here he is now!

Burt's Safety Plan #1

"When fighting your evil twin, always roll around on the ground with it so an observer won't be able to tell which is the real you. Also, try and wear identical clothes."

Safety tips from State Og and Burt Reynolds are just the tip of the iceberg in this hot new report straight from the mouth of the Og-2450 Tabulation and Computation Overlord Machine. Head on over and check it out, because they could invent a machine that lets them read your thoughts and if you didn't hang on their every word then you might just have an accident!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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