The Only Questions a Sideline Reporter Will Ever Need

• How did it feel inside your body to win?
• You lost. Do you wish you had won?
• How come you got that concussion? Usually you make good choices out there, but getting a concussion seemed like an uncharacteristically bad choice.
• "Your bio says that your two biggest fears are cameras and microphones. Care to explain?"I heard you have a new baby at home. This must be such an exciting, emotional time for you. I have to ask, though, what is a baby?
• Your opponents have been quoted as saying that they're going to take this season one game at a time. Do you think your team has what it takes to take two games at a time?
• Do you have to clean your own uniform or do they have someone who does that for you?
• When did you first realize that you were a professional athlete?
• If you could be any type of tree in the whole world, how would that affect your game plan?
• Every game has a turning point. Would it be fair to say that today's turning point came when your opponents became incorporeal, then silently screamed as their visages faded from this reality into the cruel unknown?
• Want some candy corn?
• Everyone's filing out of the stadium. Is it okay for me to leave this sideline and go home? Well, can I at least put the microphone down?
• Coach, your team did not score as many points as the other team in the first half of the game. Will scoring more points be part of your strategy for the second half? Will you communicate this to your players and coaching staff, or keep it to yourself in the hopes that it will come true, like a wish?
• Most athletes would do anything for a championship trophy. Tell me, how far would you go? Would you pet an ugly dog? Would you eat an entire spoonful of unseasoned rice?
• No, it's not a cartoon. It's far more nuanced than that. Have you seriously never heard of historical doujinshi before?
• WHERE ARE THESE FIRE ANTS COMING FROM?!
• How long do you think gimmicky facial hair will continue to be fascinating and cool? I bet forever.
• When you win, you almost always insist that no one believed in you, that you were beset on all sides by doubters and haters. Do you honestly believe that anyone thinks it's impossible for any given professional athlete to win? Or do you intentionally distort fair estimations of your opponents' talent and minor criticisms of yourself, making your victories seem more heroic? Follow-up question: Does everyone have to shower in front of each other in the locker room?

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)