In The Grim Future Of Terminator 2, There Are No Google Maps

DisheveledNet Year: 20XX
Humanity Status: Code Fraggle Rock
Begin burst transmission log #0201392...

Sender: UndergroundDude69

Hey, just got the invite to the birthday party! Thanks!

Susan and I plan on groaning on the floor of the cave all morning, our gaunt faces blank, the detached expressions of those who with little time left and less to live for. We'll try to get out of here early, swing by the supply shack to pick up some party hats and punch (do you need punch?) and arrive a little early to help you set up.

Just one question! I'm not familiar with the squalid grotto that you've rented for the occasion. I understand the need for a bigger space to accommodate the ponies, but I'm terrible at directions and don't know if I can find the place! Could you give me a landmark to go by?

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Sender: CoolGuyPete

Glad to hear you're coming! I'm pretty sure we're stocked up on enough punch to last through the apocalypse. Ha ha. Thanks anyway, though. You and Susan and very thoughtful and your presence alone will be plenty.

As for the location of the party, it's actually quite simple. You know the spot where that human skull is being shattered into thousands of symbolic pieces under the foot of a killer robot who slowly scans the horizon with red eyes? It's like thirty yards due west of there. Can't miss it. There's a big old hidden entrance to the cave that will be decorated with balloons and a Happy Birthday sign made up of glittery letters.

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Sender: UndergroundDude69

Okay, I think I got it. Is that the place that's due east of the endless war, with all the lasers and raging fires standing out in frightening contrast to the eternally dark sky?

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Sender: CoolGuyPete

Dude... No. You really are bad at directions, aren't you buddy? ;P

Okay, let me think of another way to put this. Forget the skull, forget the eternal war. New landmark.

The crumbling section of wall, covered in all that graffiti. Twisted rebar sticking out through the broken facade. You know the one. Just go there, then take a left and walk about two hundred paces. Bam. You'll be right there.

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Sender: UndergroundDude69

The crumbling wall near the playground? With the swing set that remained intact even though it's surrounded by human skeletons that were blasted apart during the nuclear strike?

Susan wants to know if you guys have any music lined up, or if she should bring her accordion.

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Sender: CoolGuyPete

The wall. THE WALL. Not by the playground, the one by the collapsed highway overpass.

Tell Susan thanks, but we have something planned with the bucket of kazoos we scrounged from that abandoned military base.

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Sender: UndergroundDude69

I seriously have no idea what overpass you're talking about. Fuck, man, I'm sorry but this is really confusing me.

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Sender: CoolGuyPete

No worries. Do you know the spot where that airship is shooting at the truck with a turret mounted in the back? With the explosion that's sending the truck rolling end over end?

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Sender: UndergroundDude69

Nope.

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Sender: CoolGuyPete

Really? Are you serious? Come on!

Look, I'm a terminator. I killed your buddy and I'm in this stupid cave pecking away at a keyboard trying to coax you into a trap. They should have have just gotten a T2000 for this, because I am not well suited to human impersonation or really any interaction that doesn't involve holding a laser rifle in each arm.

I am screwing this up big time. I can't give you directions, I'm having a hell of a time keeping these ponies away from the cake (which I spent three hours baking only for it to turn out lopsided), and my party decorating skills are non-existent. This place looks like New Year's morning in an Al-Qaeda heroin den.

I am the worst terminator. Forget about the party.

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Sender: UndergroundDude69

Hey hey hey, don't be so down on yourself! You're doing the best you can. This is really my fault. I'm just no good with directions. Why not just come over here? The entrance is built right into the side of the skull pile. You know where that is, right?

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Sender: CoolGuyPete

No. I know the rubble pile. Do you mean the rubble pile?

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– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)