The Unicode Consortium is a non-profit organization that sets international standards concerning unified character sets, encoding schemes and... uh...look, it's complicated, but they pick the emojis.
9:05 AM: Members angrily debate the necessity of "a heart with a small yellow star inside of it." Tom B. throws a punch, but falls down because he doesn't know how. The emoji is tabled until 2025.
9:30 AM: Subcommittee head Alan J. bends over to pick up a pen, revealing a tattoo of a red "100" with two streaks underneath across his lower back. Sadly, nobody thinks to snap a photo.
11:00 AM: Bryan V: "Do we still need the emoji for a beeper? I mean, if you're using a smartphone, you're certainly not using a beeper."
Gregg K: "...let me see your bag."
There's a brief struggle for Bryan V's bag -- it goes flying -- six different beepers fall out.
Bryan V: "I'm tired of people making fun of my beepers via emoji!"
11:22 AM: For the 10th year in a row, Jesse T. asks why there's a devil emoji, and a Santa emoji, but no emoji for "our lord and savior, Jesus." The room falls silent, then breaks into uproarious laughter at Jesse's classic gag. Everyone votes in an emoji where four gay men adopt asian twins.
11:40 AM: The question is raised: "Why is there no emoji shaped like Tom Cruise jumping atop an emoji Oprah's couch?" Members look around sheepishly. The room quickly approves the emoji.
12:05 PM: Tom B.: "58 face emojis, and not ONE that expresses the existential ennui of knowing that all our accomplishments fade?"
Tom S.: "Shut the fuck up, Tom B."
1:01 PM: The subcommittee wonders: Would it be possible to make an emoji for..."emoji?" (Secretary's note: We all got high at lunch.)
2 PM: The room discusses retiring the Minidisc emoji given that Sony has abandoned the format. The conversation turns to how cool Minidiscs were: "long battery life," "great fidelity," "portability." In the end, the consortium votes in six new Minidisc emojis, including an emoji of themselves all voting for it.
2:35 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the "bunny girls" emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
3:05 PM: The whole room chants, "More cat emojis. More cat emojis."
4 PM: Greg K. pitches an emoji for the "jerk off" motion you make when someone says something lame. It's narrowly outvoted by a 13th emoji representing trains.
5 PM: The Denny's waitress approaches the subcommittee's table and asks if we want anything else. The vote is 7-5 in favor of Pancake Puppies. The chairman gavels the meeting to a close.
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
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