State Og Update: 04.05.03

State Og: For Ogs, By Ogs

Welcome once again to State Og, where the only rule is: eat or be eaten. Special thanks go out to: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (secret identity: Bruce Wayne), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Peter Parker), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Clark Kent), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Jimmy Smits).

Gluuuue!

It's high time somebody did something to make craft time into fun time, and State Og is here to help! Yes, next time you're gluing little construction paper cow faces onto little construction paper cow bodies before finishing up those financial reports why not use a bottle of State Og Wacky Tacky Glue?

Crafted from the bones of the finest racehorses and jockeys, our glue is so strong that it could keep Jesus from ascending to Heaven to reclaim His seat at His father's side! He'd just stand there trying to fly! Wacky Tacky Glue dispensers are made to squirt from random points, making every craft session a messy and wild experience! The best part, though, is the fact that Wacky Tacky Glue comes in a variety of exciting aromas! From strawberry to bourbon to car exhaust, we guarantee that we have the right scent for you! In market research using the top raving homeless people from across the land we discovered that our product is almost more fun to sit down with and sniff than it is to use! Indeed, the only way to get our test subjects out of the testing center was to offer them each a crate of Wacky Tacky Glue. Now that's a must-have product!

Order today and receive a free bottle of State Og Wacky Washy Shampoo, which comes in a deceptively similar bottle to Wacky Tacky Glue, but for the love of all that is under the eye of God do not confuse them!

State Og Snorkeling Event

When you hear State Og Snorkeling Event, you cannot help but think of two things: drowning and underwater vampires. However, we assure you that this time we have put a few more safety measures in affect to guarantee the security you have come to expect from our other State Og sponsored events, such as State Og Dead Skunk Feast and State Og Broom Handle In Your Ear-A-Thon. First, we would like to announce a few of the changes we made to ensure that every moment of snorkeling adventure is enjoyable and safe this year.

The pier no longer plummets into the ocean when you swim under it.
We have asked Sharkface, the leader of the shark gang that infests the waters where this event is held, not to keep his sharks at bay on the days of the event (like we did last year), but to keep them far away from the bay. Sharks are a very literal species.
Children will be required to wear Floaties. We have enough time and money this year and will not be forced to use tiny rocks as a last minute alternative to air.
Though we honestly do not know how it got there in the first place, the water now does not contain more acid than salt.
The underwater vampires have agreed not to attack anything that is not completely under the water. If the hose on your snorkel is up, you count as being not completely underwater. (We think.)

Implementing these changes will allow total safety during the State Og Snorkeling Event for your entire family. As for some of the hilariously exciting events we have scheduled, here is an incomplete list: (Note: the list is incomplete because the dead members of The Beatles are “terrible at paperwork,” as our State Og Corpse Puppeteers, who compile our data by working deceased performers, report.)

State Og Stay Underwater Competition
Rules: Try to stay underwater as long as you can. Remember that a State Og Representative is right above you holding your head down, ready to let you come up for air as soon as you say the submission word*. As an added challenge, the longer you are completely underwater, the more likely the underwater vampires will attack you.
State Og Snorkel Stopper Game
Rules: The object of this game is to find people who are snorkeling and stop up their airflow with your thumb. The longer you’re able to keep your thumb plugged in their air tubes, the more points you get!
State Og Huge Wave Challenge
Rules: Due to scheduling and a massive fan suspended a mile out over the ocean, the party is just beginning when night falls: gigantic, deadly waves will start to crash against the shoreline! Your challenge is to gamble on how many waves you think you can survive before you begin to collapse and drown. Then when it gets dark and the waves start coming in, see if you were right! The closest guess without going over wins.

We hope you have an excellent time during the State Og Snorkeling Event this year. Also, condolences go out to the families of everyone who attended last year.

*

State Og Likes Young People

There is no greater example of how State Og gives back to the community than the large sum of money we annually give away in support of higher education through donations and scholarships. Just go to campuses like Raccoon City Community College or Silent Hill State University, and if you somehow manage to find somebody they’ll surely share with you tales of how their community has dramatically changed after State Og (and our generous business partners such as Umbrella Corp. and Samael Inc.) came to town. Now it’s time for a new scholar to bask in the splendor of our amazing endowments ... in more ways than one!

With great pride, State Og would like to announce Johannes-Clovis Champ Jr. as the recipient of this year’s State Og Scholarship for Total Awesomisity. Mr. Champ, who is already a student studying engineering at Princeton, is a shinning example of today’s youth and has already produced two inventions for State Og during his first week after receiving his scholarship: the Autonomous Mobile Guillotine and the Level-Five Zombie Upgrade Kit.

It’s incredible to consider that this fine student didn’t even apply for our scholarship program, nor was he even scheduled to interview with our special scholarship selection committee, comprised of agents Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck, Jason “Vengeance Otter” Johnson, and Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young. Yet, like a demon summoned by 16th-level magic user, the young Johannes-Clovis Champ somehow honed in on the nearby committee while potential candidates were being interviewing, and in a dramatic fashion introduced himself to the agents. More accurately, after a morning of heavy drinking, Mr. Champ, with a half-empty plastic 1.75 liter bottle of cheap vodka clenched greedily in hand, stumbled into the campus conference room being used by our agents during an interview.

At first Champ’s intrusion was followed by a few moments of uncomfortable silence. Then the young student, in his drunken stupor, started yelling an intoxicated tirade of slurred syllables, apparently at the nearest light fixture, which sounded like a language based on an alphabet featuring only the letters R and M. Surprising his cohorts, Agent Vengeance Otter replied with his own sequence of R’s and M’s, as if the two shared a common language. After a minute of this garbled dialogue, Agent Hack And Slash decided it was time to conclude the strange interview, so leaping over the table in front of him, he charge over to Mr. Champ and brought the butt of his Heckler & Koch .45 caliber pistol down solidly on to the head of the youth, who collapsed to the floor instantly. Agent Hack And Slash then dragged the student’s unconscious body into the nearby parking lot and left it directly behind a parked car, with his head neatly lined up in the rear tire’s path.

Afterwards, when it came time to review those who they had interviewed that day, all three judges had to agree: Johannes-Clovis Champ Jr. was their hands-down favorite. Agent Vengeance Otter – who it turned out was just as, if not more, drunk than Mr. Champ during the interviews – stated that he had built a real rapport during the brief period of time he shared with Champ. Slightly less drunk but intoxicated by his lust for violence, Agent Hack-And-Slash said, “I feel good about this candidate. I really liked the crisp sound that resonated from his skull when I pistol-whipped him. This kid, Champ, has my vote.” Agent Elcybergoth, drunk with power and contempt for mankind, only stared steely-eyed at his partners in silence.

Well, there you have it. This is only one of many stories of how State Og makes the academic dreams of the world’s youth come true. Even though Champ had to recently drop out due to the need for emergency surgery to treat a subdural hematoma -- from what doctors suspect as being the result of some mysterious blunt trauma to the head from a few weeks ago -- we’re sure Champ can still perform basic manual labor as he convalesces, and won’t mind us sending him a few subjects from our labs for him to work on. Those zombies aren’t going to upgrade themselves you know!

Quiz Bowl

Last weekend the State Og Quiz Bowl went off without a hitch, except for the incident when host Chuck Woolery snapped and ate the eyes out of several contestants' skulls. The afternoon consisted of an epic battle between longtime State Og Quiz Bowl rivals Kids We Grabbed From Bus Stops and the Child Prostitutes. The Grabbed Kids are renowned worldwide for their team spirit and tenacity, while the Child Prostitutes are unmatched in their understanding of whore trivia. In addition to the customary grand prize of freedom, a lovely fruit basket was up for grabs, and not a person in the building wasn't eyeing that treasure all night long!

The competition was stimulating, as the two teams fought ferociously to answer the most trivia questions. In keeping with State Og protocol, correct answers earned 50 points and incorrect answers earned a professional gutting by an experienced mariner. At the halfway mark the rewards doubled to 100 points for correct answers and being run over by a combine for incorrect answers. The stars of the show were little Omar Wilson for the Kids We Grabbed From Bus Stops and Doug Parry for the Child Prostitutes, who (despite the mounting pile of internal organs and assorted effluvium gathering at their feet) managed to keep their teams in the game. Finally, it all came down to a head-to-head showdown in the speed round as Wilson and Parry faced off. The duel was enthralling, and we were moments away from having our first ever winner when an unfortunate incident involving our trained sniper in the rafters resulted in the match being declared a tie.

We apologize to the parents of the contestants, wherever they are, and hope they find some other way to vicariously attain glory. Until next year, when we must once again appease the Thing that lives inside Chuck Woolery, keep sharp kids, because your life may depend on it!

You Know... For Kids!

We've received volumes of mail asking when a State Og video game would be made for quite a long while. Until now our only response has been to mail back with poorly faked nude photos of Abe Vigoda. While that might seem senseless and cruel on the surface, it's quite humane once you realize how much tamer the fakes are than the actual nude photos of Abe Vigoda which we have on file.

Well, no longer do our anxious readers have to wait, or fear to check their mail! State Og: The Video Game: The Game is officially on the way. Being exclusively developed for Sega's 32x console, State Og: The Video Game: The Game is an innovative and story-driven title that'll blow your socks off. If you aren't even wearing socks, it'll put some on your feet, then blow them the fuck back off.

The game pits you as a chicken navigating his way through a haunted carwash, which ties into the State Og mythos for very obvious reasons. Here's a brief rundown of some features which you're sure to drool over, especially if you've been drinking State Og Saliva Boost Cola:

Innovative "What The Fuck" combat system - The buttons you press on your controller may or may not correlate to the chicken's movements. It's confusingtastic!
Built in memory chip - Powered by the sweet, warm bloodflow of a mammal (which you supply), your game will forever be saved so long as a living, breathing being is attached to the cartridge.
Multiplay - You use the directional pad, and your friend presses the other buttons on the same controller! Wow!
Graphics of some sort

- State Og Representative