State Og Update: 03.29.03

State Og: Extended Director's Cut

The State Og update you're about to read is exactly what the creators envisioned. Absolutely no movie companies were involved, and I can personally attest to the fact that not one frame of film was edited out of the final product at all. Jarring, bold, and creative; this is Og like you've never seen it before. This week's contributors are: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (sucka m.c.'s call him sire), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (invented the ninja rap), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (in traction after putting his hands in the air and haphazardly waving them as though he didn't care), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (had two turntables and a microphone, lost them in a surprisinly violent chess accident).

Abe Honestly Kicks Ass

In these trying times, State Og is more committed than ever to teaching America's youth about the history of this great country. In this vein we have unleashed the Abe Lincoln 3000, a fully-featured robotic duplicate of the real Abe Lincoln, right down to his mysterious and sultry mole. This two ton spawn of our technological loins is designed to roam the land, teaching our youth all about the history and ideals of this great country as seen by Abraham Lincoln. Further, in order to endear Honest Abe to today's youth, we have installed a pair of powerful speakers in his ass, and he will impart his knowledge through the medium of rap and breakdancing! The Gettysburg Address is taken to a whole new level when backed by a bass-heavy Dr. Dre beat pumping out of the ex-president's hindquarters!

Look for Abe Lincoln 3000 in the southeast United States in the weeks to come. Please be advised, however, that the android thinks the Civil War is still in progress and as such has rallied several militiamen, intending to cut a bloody swath across the South. For your safety State Og recommends that the South rise again, or at least that the South invest in radiation shielding, as the Abe Lincoln 3000 also comes equipped with a small nuclear warhead in his stove top hat. State Og apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause.

Have Problems? The Only Solution Is More Drugs

At State Og we understand that our customers want nothing more than to stop the madness: in fact, there's almost always a bunch of protesters in front of our head office chanting just that. That's why the next time you see your shrink for another batch of anti-crazy pills you should ask for State Og Umaumbralaxilthide 32 by name! Umaumbralaxilthide 32 is almost certified by the FDA for the treatment of just about any mental disorder! Yes, the days of long therapy sessions are behind us now thanks to this powerful one-size-fits-all miracle drug. Moments after taking your first dose you will be floating in a sea of tranquil freedom for years to come, never dreaming about acting all crazy or feeding yourself again!

A delightful side effect of Umaumbralaxilthide 32 is that as it helps you become normal it also makes you more regular. That's right, it's a powerful laxative too! While you expel your twisted psychoses you'll also be getting rid of troublesome blockage, kidney stones, kidney stone sized chunks of bone, and kidneys!

Note: side effects may include extreme fever, loss of hair, speaking in tongues, AIDS, rapid aging, cremation, rusted eyeballs, eating sandwiches without mayo, talking sassy, lactating in places God intended no lactation to occur, loss of soul, starting a war in the Middle East, bones turning to strawberry jam, itchy loins, the power of flight, suing State Og, pregnancy and some slight nausea. Persons suffering from heart conditions should not use Umaumbralaxilthide 32. Umaumbralaxilthide 32 may cause heart conditions in patients who have hearts. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Umaumbralaxilthide 32; get drunk instead. State Og recommends ensuring that your Last Will and Testament is in order before using Umaumbralaxilthide 32.

The future is looking bright indeed thanks to Umaumbralaxilthide 32!

Mailbag Time

Nobody is more surprised by the amount of mail State Og receives from its customers than State Og is. Frankly, we’re tired of having to spend time responding to your letters. In fact, if things don’t change soon, we’re going to have to raise the lethality of many of our popular products. In the meantime, here is another letter we just received.

Dear Sir:

I recently bought the State Og 1/72 scale model of the Hindenburg, and I was initially impressed with its fine detail. Being extremely happy with my purchase, I was sadly disappointed when the model exploded, giving off not flames, but a cloud of strange orange spores, which due to their volume, I couldn’t help but breathe in. After this, the next thing I remember is waking up in my backyard totally naked except for my underwear, which were inexplicably on my head, and with barbeque sauce smeared across my hands and face. In front of me, my shovel rested on what appeared to be a mound of freshly upturned earth, and taped to it was a piece of paper on which was written, “You now have herpes.” I only have one question for State Og: What the fuck?

Sincerely,
Jack Tilley

Here is our response.

Dear Mr. Tilley,

I apologize for the confusion surrounding your purchase of State Og’s 1/72 scale Hindenburg Model with Psychoactive Mind Spore Action. When activated the model airship broadcasts its GPS coordinates to our nearest field-office, from which several agents are dispatched to "take care of you" in your drugged-out state. The agents apparently made a terrible mistake. The note they left should have read, “You have been framed for murder and cannibalism. Also, you now have herpes.”

Sorry for the mix up,
Al Jourgensen, State Og Minister of Ministry

Gotta Kill 'Em All!

The perfect purchase for any military enthusiast is the new State Og Military Collection. When you sign up, you will receive a sturdy 3 ring binder and 30 inserts every month. These folder inserts include information on every weapon used around the world since the beginning of recorded history.

We know what you are thinking. While that is certainly informative, it is the same information you could get from any encyclopedia or psychotic friend. Not so. The inserts include locations where you can currently purchase these weapons and even the secret codes that you must give the large-scale arms dealers in order to prevent them from killing you.

Can't afford a big purchase, like a Howitzer? Then build your own! The inserts also give instructions on how to build your own basic version of all the weapons, and all using supplies that you can buy at any local home improvement store! (Except plutonium, which can only be purchased at State Og-run home improvement stores.) Sure, your home made ballista wouldn't be as neat or efficient as an authentic one, but if it's good enough to kill your neighbor then it's good enough to be in your collection.

Fun Facts!

Since State Og reaches into the lives of everyone in one way or another (hidden bathroom cameras), we thought it best to let you all become more acquainted with our company. Not personally of course, just through this highly impersonal list of fun facts about State Og. If any of the following irrefutable facts turn out to be incriminating, we of course deny them completely.

Our company was founded on the backs of poor workers. Literally. During the planning and construction stages of Og Headquarters, the original founders thought it necessary to be carried everywhere they went on a two-ton slab of stone by a group of children, pregnant women, and a strange breed of freakish dog which had developed human arms. The stone never made it further than ten feet at a time before the wretched heathens underneath buckled and were crushed of course, but so is the price of progress.

State Og Brand Soylent Green is not actually people, as has been rumored. It is instead a pleasant mixture of rat poison and broken glass, with just a light sprinkle of Og Brand Artificial People Flavoring.

At one point in the late sixties, State Og collectively experimented with acid and as a result thought it was a gigantic horse made up of thousands of smaller horses. This explains the sixty foot high wooden fence built around our central headquarters, which still stands as a silent reminder of the dangers of drugs. We also continue the tradition of processing all retiring employees into paste; both in a gesture of respect for our darkest times and because sometimes shit just needs pasted.

The First World War was the direct result of a very elaborate prank being pulled on Archduke Ferdinand by our company's vice president at the time, Mr. Mister Jeffords. Jeffords had simply meant to wound Ferdinand slightly instead of killing him and sending untold numbers of men to their deaths in the ensuing chaos. If you set aside what happened and imagine he had simply shot the Archduke in the shoulder as intended, you've got to admit it would have been pretty funny. "Oh poppycock," Ferdinand might have said to our vice president afterwards. "There is ever so much egg on my face now, what with my shoulder bleeding profusely and my guards flinching when you shot me. You've brillianted yet another pranksterism!"

- State Og Representative