Meanwhile In Second Life
Standing at a podium in a large conference room, his hands neatly folded before him, Bruce Willis patiently waits. The seats before him - once filled with virtual members of actual press outlets who had hailed Second Life as a blazing beacon of the future of human interaction and business - sit unoccupied.
Making A Superman Game That Isn't Terrible
Problem: Superman is almost impossible to kill. Solution: Everyone has Kryptonite weapons and also Superman just ate a whole Krytonite cheesecake at the Kryptonite Cheesecake Factory.
Skyrim's Overly Confident Bandits
Listen, don't try my patience. You have armor made from the bones of dragons you've personally killed. Your sword was forged by the greatest blacksmith in the land. I, however, would surely prevail because I am adorned in fur armor.
Modern Warfare 3 Is Shockingly Transparent
I'm going to spoil the shit out of this. You should stop reading if you actually care about the 4 hour walk-forward-through-a-setpiece-explode-a-thon that is the single player campaign.
Pandas Will Make World Of Warcraft Dumb? Really?
A lot of people seem to think that with the introduction of Pandaren as the next playable race, World Of Warcraft has become too ridiculous. Cries of "Blizzard jumped the shark this time!" and "Pandas just don't fit into the game!" have sprung up everywhere that people like to complain. Which means across the entire internet.
Treasures That Shouldn't Be Featured In Uncharted 4
I'd like to suggest that the Naughty Dog team avoids the following treasures for their next game, as I really enjoy Uncharted and would hate to see it get even more stupid than the monster people and terrible final boss fights that have taken big smelly dumps on the first two games.
Why Must Orcs Die?
Having green skin is a capital offense in Georgia, which you would already know if you saw the finale of the Hulk television series. Why should this impact Orcs that live outside the state? As it turns out, a century old zoning error expanded Georgia's jurisdiction across all fictional realms.
Patch Notes: Dead Island
Sure, we accidentally released an old version of the game at launch, then asked everyone to re-download the whole thing only to realize that this time we had uploaded a DVD rip of Robocop 3. You, however, stood by us.
The Upcoming Year Of Nintendo Mistakes
People want to like Nintendo a lot, they really do. It's easy to pull for the plucky oddball responsible for many of your childhood memories. Nintendo, however, has a habit of being a complete asshole.
Difficult Dungeon
With sincere condolences to Dungeons Of Dredmor, I have created the most challenging and brilliant entry the roguelike genre has ever seen: Difficult Dungeon.
Which Old Republic Pre-Order Is Right For You?
Although the game doesn't have an official release date yet, a special collector's edition of BioWare's Star Wars MMO became available for $150 in United States Dollars, or Freedom Bucks as they are known internationally.
BioShock Infinite: Fears For Tears
Your companion in BioShock Infinite is Elizabeth, a young woman with a sweet haircut and the unique ability to interact with tears in reality. Previews have cited examples of this power such as pulling a wagon from another dimension into your own for cover and depositing crowds of sympathetic fighters near your enemies.
How Team Fortress 2 Will Be Ruined By Going Free-To-Play
If people don't have to pay to get in, how will they know the value of a perfectly placed meatspin.gif tag?
Duke Nukem Forever Castrates the Male Ideal
Duke Nukem Forever is a misunderstood masterpiece that you should never play.
E3 2011: The Future Of The Xbox 360 Is Frightening, On Rails
Woah! This game is awesome, Suzy! I can't believe that thing just happened, I've seriously never played this before! Let's try to get the mega-coin! Aw, we'll get it next time! Woah! This is fun! I love Kinect and the Microsoft experience! Facebook! Social media! Fist bump!
L.A. Incidental
My partner has yet to solve a case, or shoot a suspect, or come up with a valuable clue. Mostly he's just good at telling me when to turn the car when I drive.
Brink
Brink has a ton of issues, from technical problems to design flaws to a limited amount of content. It's also the best team-based shooter since Team Fortress 2.
Alternative Explanations For The PSN Outage
Kevin Butler ran out of VHS tapes to record Dancing With The Stars, so in a moment of desperation he erased every hard drive on the PlayStation Network to make room. Totally worth it.
Impressions Of The Gears Of War 3 Beta Which I Have Not Played
The Gears Of War 3 beta has gone out to people who write about games and are marginally important, well known, or whose opinions are of some significance. In other words, I haven't played it.
Features That Should Be In Every Game
Every game needs an obnoxious man that taunts you moments before he explodes in a mist of gore and wasted life.
Nintendo 3DS Launch Guide, Dragon Age II's Incredible Ceilings
The most remarkable aspect of the Nintendo 3DS isn't the fact that it plays games in 3D without requiring glasses, but that it will launch this week without a first party title that anyone can get excited about.
DLC Talk
Sometimes a boom mic is accidentally lowered into the frame of a movie, taking you out of the fiction. Video game DLC is like that boom mic if it had dipped into the center of the screen, cracked the camera lens, then been given lines of dialog along with a cgi mouth in post production.
Patch Notes: Bulletstorm
Brought Steve Blum back in to record more lazy, extreme quips that are so over the top they know they're over the top, and therefore are immune to criticism. Look forward to catchphrases such as "see you later, clit nugget" and "your guts smell like abortion".
Madden 2011 Super Bowl Predictions
Bonus prediction before we start: This article's accuracy and resulting success will shame IGN into closing shop.
Hands On With The Nintendo 3DS
The 3DS is essentially a Nintendo DS, but roughly three times as large, and made out of a sponge-like material. It features an analog stick (for non-digital games) and three new buttons below the bottom screen: Menu, Home, and Disable This Button.
Our Most Anticipated Releases Of 2011
People who write about video games are currently printing out the next few weeks' releases, double-checking to make sure there wasn't an error, then attempting to put the paper to good use by slicing it across their throats. Of course, no one will actually die, as any experienced neckbeard-paper-scissors player knows.
