Look On The Bright Side, Wii U!

For thirteen years people have predicted the failure of Nintendo's systems and looked like dumbasses for their efforts. While most arguments about Nintendo's flawed strategies make perfect sense, Nintendo has a knack for slipping out of seemingly impossible (and easily avoidable) situations.

Now Nintendo finds itself in an extra impossible situation. They have a console that refuses to catch on. The Wii U's name remains confusing for consumers, with many still not aware that it's a wholly separate thing from the Wii. The tablet controller isn't being used for anything innovative enough to make up for the system's lack of power. With major developers seeming to back away from the console every week, Nintendo is in a position it hasn't been in since the days of the Virtual Boy. At this point it seems that the Wii U is all but doomed unless the number of upcoming first party games triples.

Still, Nintendo is the comeback kid. If they hope to turn things around this time, the reversal of fortune will likely hinge on a positive aspect of the Wii U that's staring us in the face. Maybe we can find the key to the console's success by rattling off the few things that the console has going for it.

  • It's not the Xbox One.
  • There has not been a single confirmed case of a Wii U that was cursed by a mummy, leading to thousands of scarabs pouring out of the system when a toddler tried to eject a game.
  • The year of Luigi could theoretically be extended to the decade of Luigi, or transition into the year of Waluigi.
  • That Nintendo Land title music is really snazzy. Perhaps there's a way to offer it as paid DLC for people who want to add it to the Wii U menu?
  • If you compare the Wii U to a console with zero games, the Wii U actually has a lot of games.
  • Nintendo hasn't lost the blueprints. If they need to make more Wii U units they totally can. It's not a problem at all, guys, so feel free to buy one.
  • There are all sorts of shows about hoarders, such as Hoarders. If these programs are any indication, there is a huge market of people who are willing to buy anything to cram it in their home.

Experience The Destiny Trailer Without Watching It

Hey, it's Buggin' Out from Do The Right Thing! Gus from Breaking Bad! Not Gus from Revolution! He's sitting down to tell a bedtime story while that Destiny moon logo thing hangs out in the window behind him. Okay, I'm sort of into this. Maybe now we'll get some idea of what's supposed to make this sci-fi setting unique.

Aaaaand we have space soldiers on unlicensed Star Wars speeders. Welp. Now three heroes are involved in a shootout. They're trying to kill large (presumably bad) men who are hiding behind shields but the heroes can't kill the large men because the shields are deflecting their bullets. One of the heroes is switching his gun to a revolver, and now he's able to shoot all six of those bad guys and kill them. Because he picked the right space gun. Also, I guess he didn't get so much as a scratch in that entire fire fight.

Now there's another bad guy, but he's got a minigun and he's enormous! Uh-oh! The three heroes spin to face him, then pose to demonstrate how super tough they are. Will they kill the large man with their guns? Won't they? AHHH the mystery! I don't think I can wait for the game's release to find out!

Speculation: The heroes shoot the large guy with their guns and he dies. They probably look at one another and nod while their majestic cloaks swirl, then start shooting other guys in space forever. Prepare yourselves for an epic groundbreaking adventure unlike anything you've ever seen, from the people that made Halo.

Call Of Juarez: Gunslinger
Techland is an unreliable developer, so of course they made the first game to perfectly use an unreliable narrator. 8/10

The Incredible Adventures Of Van Helsing
A surprising action RPG with a charmingly weird setting, creative mechanics, lots of skill and perk options to fiddle with, and generally far more than you'd think $13 would buy. 7/10

Metro: Last Light
Aside from the hideously implemented lapdance and sex scenes, this is probably the closest we're going to come to a Half-Life game any time soon. 8/10

Dust 514
Please give up on the shooting and turn this a first person con/embezzlement simulator, or it will never catch on like Eve Online has. 5/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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