Patch Notes: Star Wars Battlefront

Star Wars: Battlefront is here! It looks sharp, sounds amazing, and has a hectic pace that's surprisingly reminiscent of something like Quake. Unfortunately, there are some issues holding the game back. Objectives and map designs feel half-baked. Power-ups are unintuitive, clunky things that introduce randomness instead of meaningful decisions. The overall experience feels more like a frustrating meat grinder than a meat grinder you'd happily throw yourself into.

Thankfully, DICE is on the case. With this week's patch they hope to address the most glaring flaws.

Gameplay

• Fixed a major balance issue. On some maps, both the Rebels and Empire had an equal chance of winning. This led to bizarre situations such as close games, tense battles, and rewarding victories.
• After looking into numerous complaints about the game's depth, we discovered the root causes behind the issue. We are pleased to announce that our efforts have culminated in a major change that will make everyone happy. Now the game will play every Star Wars sound at once, at full volume, continually.
• There are now spaceships.
• Added five all-new gameplay modes! Tiny AT-AT Mode, Get Frustrated Because Everyone Is Running Around Instead Of Going For Objectives Mode, No Weapons Mode, Big Powerup Icon Mode, Get Seriously Frustrated Because Everyone Is Running Around Instead Of Going For Objectives Mode
• Our terms of service have been updated. Now when you turn into a Jedi man, you are permitted to make lightsaber sounds with your mouth.

Bug Fixes

• After working with our video card manufacturing partners, we nailed down a rendering glitch that prevented all grass and foliage from appearing on the Hoth map.
• Darth Vader no longer floats around with his arms straight out to either side, his head a shaking blur like some Jacob's Ladder shit.
• Occasionally bullets fired in Rainbow Six Siege were appearing in Battlefront and damaging players. To address this, we added a layer of bulletproof glass just inside the skybox of every level.
• In-game weapon descriptions were inaccurate, based upon pre-release information. They have now been appropriately updated. Each and every one is a lengthy explanation of midichlorians.
• Death animations were acting weird as heck. For some reason, 100% of player deaths were followed by their character model doing a sick NBA Jam windmill slam dunk. This has been fixed. Now there's only a 33% chance of that happening. The second death animation is basically Dracula with his arms across his chest, slowly levitating to a standing position from inside a coffin without moving a muscle, only in reverse. The third death animation is this:

 Star Wars: Battlefront
Surprisingly, this multiplayer game from the developers of the Battlefield series has a few issues at launch but could potentially become worth a purchase if they support it properly. 6/10

 Anno 2205
Good stuff, now can we go back to badass wooden ships and historical European villages full of poor saps pushing giant blocks of stone around? 7/10

 Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash
I genuinely think Nintendo forgot to add the other three fourths of this video game. 4/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)