The Mystery Method

The Mystery Method, submitted by Dog-Like Sparky.

The internet is rife with sites like this: Dr. Douchebag’s Magic Slut-Boning Technique for Nerds. It’s the “alternative medicine” of social interaction; perhaps it is built on a foundation of common sense, but before you know it you’re injecting urine into your eyeballs to cure your jock itch. This particular method involves sitting through a seminar filled with feckless idiots and watching a gigantic tit dispense idiotic advice about banging hoes.

Seriously, would you date anyone who could be “picked up” by this man?

If so, you don’t need any fucking relationship advice, because you’re willing to have sex with literally anybody, so just go to the nearest redneck bar and wait until the local drunkess hits her “ready to go” level.

The best part of all this is that these guys call themselves – I am not kidding around here – Venusian Artists. Let me just post a picture of this guy one more time…

See that guy? With the fucking soul patch and the sunglasses propped up on his retarded hat and the ponytail? He is a Venusian Artist. He wants you to pay him to teach you how to talk to women. Watch the sample video: he talks about women as if they’re a video game. If you don’t touch them properly, he says, you might be “twenty hours in” without getting so much as a kiss.

Oh, shit, and a woman is good for, what, a hundred hours? After that you’ve beaten the game and if you haven’t leveled up all the way and collected all the power-ups it’s your own fault, right?

For real, fuck this guy, let’s post that picture of him one more time:

Oh, and if you’re some nerd saying “hey, you know what, that site looks pretty professional and I’m pretty lonely…” STOP! Stop right there. Take the money you might have spent on the seminar and spend it on a prostitute.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)