If you're a cattle-semen distributor, you can advertise your services with dignity, emphasizing that the work you do is crucial to the agricultural community that forms this country's backbone. Or, you could sell coffee mugs emblazoned with the phrase "collection cup." Given that it's an Awful Link, guess which route Universal Semen Sales chose?

The "Sammy Semen" collection also includes boxer shorts decorated "with our infamous sperm cell floating along the leg," a T-shirt that pairs a close-up of a cow's ass with the slogan "baby got back," and another T-shirt that advertises "the renowned 'dot CUM' Web site address." (This doesn't work, don't try it.) Other than people who live in Montana and want to wear something that says "I am employed in the livestock-semen business and I have a sense of humor about this interesting profession, consider this an ice-breaker, that ice being composed entirely of frozen bull sperm," I'm not sure who would purchase anything from the "Sammy Semen Collection." I asked submitter/SA contributor Daryl "Fucking" Hall if the ironic T-shirt crowd would wear any of this shit, because he has INSIDE KNOWLEDGE about that scene, and he responded "I think it wouldn't be a hipster thing but I bet weird uncles would think it's hilarious." So, there you go, Sammy Semen and your weird uncle, a match made in merchandise heaven!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

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