Vintage Dogs is an "E-commerce Pet Store." To help differentiate itself from other online pet store scams, Vintage Dogs only sells dogs that are age 15 or older, thus sparing you from the gruesome spectre of adorable puppies:

Older dogs are far better better behaved than younger ones. They are much cleaner. They no longer tend to "rub up against" house guests legs. By 15 they no longer usually urinate or defecate in the house. They are also much less likely to bite children. These dogs are "Vintage Dogs" and they are the future of pet owner luxury.

Vintage Dogs' pricing starts at $2,500, the cost of an elderly chihuahua, and tops out with its $9,000 poodles. For comparison's sake, Bart Simpson only paid $1,200 for Laddie. No offense to the dogs pictured in these stock photos, but they aren't exactly Laddie material.

There are so many things wrong with this promotional video, starting with the inappropriate song choice of "Sex With A Lady," which plays over footage of a dog frolicking. The tail-wagging good times come to an abrupt end with this disclaimer, which basically makes you an accessory to dog murder:

Then there's the brazenly unfeasible claim of free overnight delivery anywhere in the world, and what is probably the most depressing sales pitch ever:

Dogs don't always survive the shipping process so you will be happy to know that each dog comes with a 30 day money back guarantee. If you are not happy with your dog for any reason please send it back to us and we will return your money. All dogs that are returned will not be resold to prevent them from potentially disappointing another family.

Whoops, sorry we left a dead dog on your doorstop, but what can you do? v(O_O)v

You can also sell your old dog. If your pet meets Vintage Dog's stringent standards, they'll make it worth your while: "We pay out more money then all of the other used dog venders on the internet."

At this point, you might be thinking "there's no way that this is a real site," unless you're a pet-loving woman of a certain age, in which case you've probably already stopped reading this write-up and started posting something like "I AM VERY DISTURBED," "What sort of sick website is this?" or "may you all get asshole cancer who ever is posting this SHIT!" on the Vintage Dogs Facebook page!

– Adam "rubber cat" Jameson (@robbercat)

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